


Young and Vulnerable

by titaniumandtorn



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Car Accidents, Cheating, Closeted Character, Coma, Dead Carla, Divorce, Drunk Eren Yeager, Emotional Hurt, Eren Is a Tease, Eren drives a hearse, Eren is a cyber crime investigator, Eren is a lightweight, Eren is in a coma, Eren knows Jean is gay, Eren looks good in a tie and Jean takes notice, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, First Love, Hanji talks to the dead, Hate Sex, Hospitals, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jean Kirstein Is an Idiot, Jean is a crime scene investigator, Jean sure knows how to break a heart, Lost Love, Love/Hate, M/M, Medium! Hanji Zoe, Mediums, Minor Armin Arlert/Jean Kirstein, Minor Levi/Eren Yeager, Minor Mikasa Ackerman/Jean Kirstein, Nurse Annie Leonhardt, Nurse Petra Ral, POV Jean Kirstein, Reckless Driving, Second Chances, Sexual Content, Spirits, Spiritual Adviser! Hanji Zoe, Talking To Dead People, Teacher Jean Kirstein, Weddings, almost car sex, broken Eren Jeager, closeted jean, in the closet, jean thinks he is straight, mild ereri, mostly erejean, out Eren, you are in the closet and i am out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-05-22 16:28:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6086686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/titaniumandtorn/pseuds/titaniumandtorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard enough leaving the love of your life behind, but it's even harder coming face to face with him again under less than desirable circumstances years later. Young and Vulnerable follows the story of Jean Kirschtien, who has been desperately in love with Eren Jaeger since college, and his struggle to come out of the closet. </p><p>Or that story in which Eren and Jean meet again and Jean keeps trying to get in Eren's pants, but Eren is dating Levi and Jean just got married to Mikasa.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, This is Andy I know I haven't written since October, but I kinda wanna get back into it, so here is my newest Erejean story. I kinda wanna do I prequel in Eren's point of view but I don't know yet. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it!

I’m going to start our story with a wedding. Well, I’m going to start our story with my wedding. For a day when my two-toned hair kept falling in my face, the wedding was beautiful. It was an outside wedding with gorgeous pink and white flower petals lining the aisle. White chairs were set up on each side with a bouquet tied on the end of each row. The wedding arch was full of bright pink and white flowers with pastel ribbons tying it together. Right in front of the wedding arch was a giant pond with trees fully in bloom surrounding it. Needless to say, we had to borrow a bit of money from my parents for this one.   
So there I was, standing in front of both of our families and friends trying to look as calm as possible. I wasn’t nervous about the wedding ceremony, I was nervous about seeing my fiancée’s brother bringing her down the aisle. I had tried my best to avoid him for years, but of course, only a week before we were supposed to be married, I found out that her brother was my ex-lover. I kept looking from my feet to the aisle waiting impatiently for the two of them to appear.   
The guests got quiet and the piano started to play “Here comes the bride.” I quickly turned around to see Mikasa Ackerman. Her stunning black hair was curled with a white flower pinning back her bangs. Her dress looked breath taking. The shoulders and back were a white lacy material with a v neck top. The train for the dress wasn’t too long and looked like something pulled straight out of Hollywood. Which was all the more reason I shouldn’t’ve been staring at her brother. In my defense, I had never seen him in a suit before and he looked amazing. I couldn’t help but picture what it would be like if Mikasa wasn’t there. If I was turning around just to see Eren Jaeger coming down the aisle. Of course, a wide smile spread across my face as I looked at him. I noticed a smile on Mikasa face as well, but even Eren’s fake smile he smacked on for our families was more beautiful to me.   
They both came to a stop beside me, Eren stepping behind Mikasa and Mikasa turning to face me. Behind me stood my grooms men, my little brother, Justin as my best man, then my friends, Marco Bodt, Bertholdt Hoover, and Reiner Braun. On Mikasa’s side was her brother, Eren, and then her maid of honor, Krista Lenz, her best friend, Armin’s little sister. After that were her brides maids she met at nursing school, Annie Leonhardt, Petra Ral, and Sasha Braus.   
The priest looked from Mikasa to me before the piano died down and the wedding officially started. “We are gathered here today to join Jean Kirschtien and Mikasa Ackerman in holy matrimony. If anyone shows just cause why these two should not be joined, speak now or forever hold your peace.” The priest pauses and my eyes meet Eren’s emerald one. Both of us turn away immediately and hold our peace. I almost wanted him to tell everyone for me that he was still in love with me. That he would put a stop to this wedding once and for all. But he didn’t. He just stared right back at his shoes and then looked back into my eyes. I could feel my body tense up the way it always did when I met his eyes. I was always nervous that my actions might speak louder than my words. Maybe someone could see it in my eyes that I was still in love with Eren.   
I focused on his body language the entire time we exchanged vows, only looking away to meet Mikasa’s eyes when we said “I do.” He shifted a lot and kept refusing to meet my eyes. He smiled at his sister and looked like he was about to cry when I promised her for better or for worse. I can only assume that was because I could never promise him the same thing.  
“I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride.” The words echoed in my ear as I closed my eyes and kissed her. Her kiss was familiar, but it wasn’t like kissing Eren.  
The reception was outside as well behind where we had the wedding. There was a large tent with tables set up for the guest to enjoy catered food before getting drunk and dancing. At least that’s how I saw it. The bridal party sat up front with my mother beside me and Eren beside Mikasa. The set up was perfect for me because we didn’t have to see each other this way. Eren was still just as shocked as I was. Neither of us knew the other would be there until just the day before the wedding at the rehearsal dinner. Mikasa kept her family a secret from me and Eren hadn’t bothered to ask who her fiancée was because he would accept her no matter what.   
Eren was always a lightweight. He could never hold his liquor well and usually ended up stripping in front of every college party he attended. This is probably the reason he was holding off on any alcohol to early on. After everyone started to finish eating, Mikasa and Eren stood up for the traditional “Daddy, daughter dance.” Mikasa and Eren’s parents had both passed away, so Eren stood up to take the role of Mikasa’s dad for the wedding. Of course, the traditional song of “I Loved Her First,” was the song Mikasa picked out and Eren and I both froze. Eyes locked on each other and time seemed to stand still. The song applied more to the way he felt about me than Mikasa and it was apparent to me by the way his eyes fell on me every so often.  
“And I knew the first time I saw you with her, it was only a matter of time,” the speakers blared the lyrics that brought tears to Eren’s eyes and almost brought tears to my own. I was letting go of Eren forever now. I will look at him like a brother-in-law but nothing more. It was almost as if he died, but he didn’t. He was still out there like I knew he was for all these years since college. This time it’s different though, this time he isn’t waiting for me.   
When the song ended, Eren and Mikasa hugged and she wiped away his tears telling him she would be okay. He nodded and smiled wishing her the best of luck in her marriage. Then he made his way over to me for the next dance.  
“I had a dance with Mikasa, now I think it’s fitting to have one with you to, for old time’s sake,” He said, looking me in the eye and smiling slightly. I frowned down at him, starting to get irritated with him. He certainly was pushing it, since Mikasa thought we were strangers, to my knowledge at least. He shook his head and grabbed my hand to pull me onto the dance floor. The next song, which was supposed to be for the married couple, was called “After All,” by Cher and Peter Cetera which couldn’t have been more perfect for Eren and I.   
“After all the stops and start, we keep coming back to these two hearts… I guess it’s meant to be forever you and me, after all,” The lyrics filled any open space throughout the yard as I held Eren Jaeger the same way I had all those years ago. He had the exact same look in his emerald eyes that he had the night we first got dressed up and danced in my apartment. The look suited him. It is a look I hadn’t seen since that night. The night I left him for good, and I was going to do it again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren almost gets drunk and Jean gets horny.

By the time the song ended, I was horny as hell for the beautiful, green-eyed boy. He walked off when the dance was finished, but I stayed out on the dance floor for a few more minutes just staring after him. He headed over to the bartender and looked back at me for just a split second before rolling his eyes and placing his order. After the bartender, mixed two drinks, Eren went back to sitting at the wedding parties table by himself. I weaved my way through the crowd, curiosity getting the best of me, to see what exactly he was drinking. It didn’t look at all like the girly drinks he usually favored.   
“So this doesn’t look like White Zinfandel,” I said, leaning across the table from the opposite side, my back to the dance floor. Eren looks up from me and takes a long drink from his cup, looking me dead in the eye while doing so.   
“I thought I’d try something new. It’s a mix of Tequila and Jagermeister,” Eren said, words already starting to slur. Like I said, Eren can’t hold his liquor, so mixing two strong drinks was uncharacteristic of him.   
“Who the hell mixes Tequila and Jagermeister?” I asked him, somewhat annoyed, not at Eren directly, but at the fact that I was getting so turned on by him.   
“Someone who’s got nothing to lose,” Eren smiled widely before standing up and grabbing my arm. He pulled me outside of the tent and in to the parking lot before anyone could tell we were gone. It helped that we were sat by the entrance to the tent.   
All through college, Eren was known as the kid who drove a hearse. Yes, the funeral car. Yet, six years later, he was still driving the same stupid car. I opened the back door of the car for him and he jumped in with me following behind him and shutting the door behind us. When I turned back to look at him, he was laying in the back of the car on his back just staring at the ceiling. He did this often, he stare at nothing and start talking to me about something incredibly personal, and I was never ready for it.   
“You know where I got this car?” He asked, eyes not moving from their fixed position. I shook my head, pulling my knees up to my chest and hugging them.  
“Nope,” I said looking back at him before he smiled and started to continue. It was a fake smile, like the kind of smile when you are in pain, but you are trying to convince everyone that you are alright. The kind of smile he used when he got back from his dad’s funeral.   
“My cousin used to own a funeral home. The same funeral home that held my mom’s funeral. Her funeral was the last funeral they ever did before going out of business and moving to Trost. He let me have the car when I was fifteen, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. This is the last place my mom’s body was before we laid her in the ground,” Eren said. He finally took his eyes off the ceiling and curled up in a ball on the floor. He looked so broken laying there on his side just looking at me. I don’t know what he was expecting, but I know he wasn’t expecting me to kiss him. I know as a married man, I shouldn’t have done it, but it was worth it to feel him smiling against my mouth. I quickly rolled him onto his back and straddled his waist. He wrapped his arms around my head and started to run his fingers through my undercut. We weren’t just kissing anymore, we were making out. Every time I thought I should pull away, he deepened the kiss, and Eren was one hell of a kisser. Pretty soon, his hands were lightly brushing the back of my neck, making me gasp. Eren took the opportunity to slide his tongue in my mouth. He had gotten better over the years, I had to admit. He must’ve had practice, but now was not the time to ask who with. Just as he thought he had caught me off guard, I broke the kiss to get off of him and grabbed him by the waist and wrapped his legs around my hips, already feeling myself growing stiffer. I quickly tugged at his jacket, discarding it where we had left our shoes in near the front of the car. I started unbuttoning my coat and threw it into our growing pile of clothes. I smirked, watching his white button up shirt falling off his shoulders, revealing his stomach that was still familiar to me. As I started unbuttoning my own shirt, Eren, who was gasping for breath reached out and placed his finger on my lips. I stopped what I was doing to look at him when he finally caught enough breath to speak.   
“I’ve got a boyfriend, Jean. And you’re married now. To my sister. We can’t take this farther than we’ve already gone. Besides, you are the groom. People have got to be wondering where you are by now. So let’s get out of the car and stage a fight. It will explain why we are out of breath and I have been wanting to punch you since rehearsal dinner,” Eren said as he started buttoning his shirt again. I was a bit shocked, but I knew he was right. I couldn’t have sex with my wife’s brother on my wedding night in the back of his hearse. So I pulled on my jacket and my shoes while Eren was busy fixing his tie, not that it mattered anyways. A fight would mess it up anyways. I was out of the car and around to the other side of it before he was to make anyone watching believe he was just drunk and resting in his car, and I was praying no one saw me jump out of his car. As soon as Eren was done in the car, I raised my eyebrows as if to ask who would throw the first punch. Eren didn’t even have to respond. The groom isn’t going to start fights at his own wedding. Eren took one for the team and swung and hit me straight in the jaw. He was stronger than I remember and fury burned in his eyes.   
“Since when do you have a boyfriend?” I asked quietly, “Weren’t you supposed to wait for me?”  
“Six years, Jean? You are married to my sister! You didn’t wait for me!” Eren kept his voice low, but angry nonetheless. I took a swing at him, just barely missing him when he grabbed my arm and flipped me onto my back with a loud thud, knocking the wind out of me. I just laid there, watching Eren walk away, still out of breath, wiping away tears before reaching the tent. I closed my eyes and eased myself onto my feet before following after him. Eren was being scolded by Mikasa and she threw out his near toxic drink, believing the fight started because he was drunk. I, however, believed it started because he wasn’t drunk.  
As soon as Mikasa saw me, she ran to my side and kissed me, asking over and over again if I was okay. She got a first aid kit to help with my bleeding lip, but I didn’t even notice it. I couldn’t stop looking at Eren sitting at the table facing us. He had the same broken look on his face that he had in the car earlier that day, but there was no way I could kiss him now.   
The worst part about it was the fact that I had hurt him enough for him to physically attack me, but not enough for him to physically hurt me. Sure he busted my lip and knocked the wind out of me, but from the look in his eyes, he wanted to do much more. He stopped himself because he still is the way he always has been. He would never hurt me when I refused to hold his hand in public or when I told my friends I was single right in front of him. When I asked him why that didn’t bother him he told me it was because he loved me and he knew I loved him. No words spoken or gestures made is gonna change that. That’s when he promised me for better or worse and I promise him till death do us part. Maybe that can be used as an explanation as to why he stopped when he did. Maybe he planned on keeping up his end of the deal, even though I couldn’t keep up mine. Maybe this proves to show that I was never the better man, but Eren was this whole time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised two in one day, you got two in one day! Also the "Eren in a white button up and tie turning Jean on," Idea was inspired by @jaegerboom on instagram (You should check her out!)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren shares big news with Jean and Mikasa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The third Chapter is finally here! I am working on chapter four already but I have no idea when it will be up. Thank you guys for all the feedback!

After the wedding, Eren and I had little to no contact directly between us. He obviously didn’t want to talk to me, and I didn’t want Mikasa to think we were on good terms. The more she thought I hated him, the less likely it would be that we were fucking. That’s why when he came pounding on the door to our apartment at 11 o’clock at night, I was more than a little shocked.   
“Hey, Mikasa! Jean! Someone open up, I got news for you guys!” Eren yelled, probably annoying the next door neighbors. Mikasa was in the shower, so I had no choice but to answer the door. Eren stood silently in the doorway, just staring at me in my loose sweat pants. I have no idea what he was expecting me to look like at 11 o’clock, but he was standing there like he had never seen me shirtless before.  
”Where’s Mikasa?” He finally asked before stepping into my apartment and looking around. He quickly headed over to make himself at home on my couch, kicking his feet up and laying back, watching me.  
“She just went to get in the shower,” I smiled suggestively at Eren before a smirk landed on his face. I walked over to straddle his waist on my couch. He slipped his shoes off and threw his jacket on the floor. Underneath his jacket was a light grey muscle shirt to match his khaki shorts. He looked more like I remember him when he was in college. More of the reckless kid he used to be.  
“Are you in love with her? She really thinks you do. She trusts you, Jean. I’m going to put a stop to us until you decide to man up and tell her, or you lose me,” Eren smirked, his lisp giving away that fact that he was wearing he tongue piercing again. I expected him to be at least a little upset by the fact that I wasn’t married to him, but to his sister. That’s how I knew I had nothing to worry about. He wasn’t going to leave me even if he did have a boyfriend. Thoughts like that would one day be my downfall. I look down on him and slowly press my lips to his. I knew the best way to shut him up. If only I knew how much it tore him apart when I did it.  
As we deepened the kiss, Eren began his infamous moaning against my mouth. With his lips parted slightly, I took advantage of the opportunity to slide my tongue into his mouth. I smirk a bit at his initial shock as a run my tongue over his piercing, making him gasp a little. He then slide his tongue into my own mouth, lightly sucking on my tongue as he let his tongue ring lightly graze the bottom of my own tongue. That’s when I realized I was enjoying myself too much and pulled away from the boy. His breathing was a bit heavier than mine as I hovered just over his face, a string of saliva connecting our mouths. His green eyes sparkled and I could tell mine were burning as well. He kept his eyes locked on me until I finally got up to go into the kitchen and avoid the boy at all costs.  
I knew Eren would be upset, but I wasn’t going to just sit there and wait for Mikasa to come out and see me on top of her brother. Especially when both of us had boners. Eren sat up and turned to look at me over the back of the couch, but I turned away before he could truly start any conversation. I didn’t want to talk to him and I was positive he was just going to ask me why I was doing this to him, and that was one question I didn’t have the answer to.  
“What branch of criminal justice did you end up going into, Jean?” Eren asked me. The question caught me off guard until I remembered that I was still choosing which branch to study when I left Shingashina. Eren had always known he was going into computer forensics, so he was probably curious as to what I went into.  
“I’m a crime scene investigator for the city of Trost,” I responded quickly and to the point. I could hear Eren shifting on the couch, but I didn’t turn around to look at him. Instead, I busied myself with pouring Mikasa a glass of her favorite wine for when she got out of the shower. I  
“That’s great, Jean. You will be working with Levi and I soon enough then,” Eren said as nonchalantly as possible. I finally put down the bottle of wine and turned to stare at him.  
“What?!” I asked, almost angrily. I was shocked by the fact that Eren was even considering working in Trost for any reason. I think the fact that I worked there was enough to scare him away. I almost jumped when Mikasa walked in wearing her bathrobe with that girly towel hat thing on her head.  
“Hey Eren, what are you doing here?” She smiled and ran over to hug her brother as I brought her the glass of wine. I sat down on one of the chairs next to where Eren had previously been seated. I watched as Mikasa finally let go of Eren and they sat down together on the couch, both watching me, but my eyes were on Eren. He had just dropped a bombshell on me that he was planning to work in Trost in the same police station as me, then acted like nothing was wrong. Like it didn’t bother him at all, but it sure as hell bothered me. I was guessing that Levi had to be his new boyfriend and the two of them were working in the same field that Eren had a degree in. Computer forensics.  
“Why are you here in the middle of the night anyways?” Mikasa asked him, taking a sip of wine before smiling politely at him. It was clear that she adored him, and I could tell why. Eren certainly was charismatic.  
“I just had some great news and I thought I should share it with you, Levi asked me to move in with him, finally, so we are moving to Trost. The two of us got jobs at the Trost police station. That means we get to be all buddy buddy with your husband,” Eren laughed, but I found nothing amusing about it. Nothing about being around Eren and his boyfriend all the time seemed appealing to me. Like running into them at the supermarket and saying “Hey brother-in-law.” I didn’t want to think of him as my wife’s brother. It would be so much easier if he would just move far away and I would never have to see him again. I guess I’m just not a lucky person.  
“That’s great, Eren! When do Jean and I get to meet Levi anyways?” Mikasa asked him, making him shift a little in his seat. I spent enough time with Eren to know when he was uncomfortable and this was one of those times. I was dying to know what exactly was making him so uncomfortable, but at the same time I was surprised Mikasa hadn’t noticed yet.  
“Uh, He is really busy, you know being a police officer and all,” Eren said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.  
“Eren, you don’t need to be nervous about me meeting your boyfriend,” Mikasa said to her brother, sensing he was nervous with her creepy Mikasa sense I always knew she had. Eren laughed a bit and nodded.  
“I gotta go home now, just thought I should tell you in person. Uh Jean, you mind showing me around the police station tomorrow while Mikasa is at work?” Eren asked. Raising his eyebrow at me as if to say, “Let’s fuck tomorrow while Mikasa is at work.” Of course. I nodded, walking to the door with him.  
“Alright, Jaeger, see you tomorrow?” I said, watching him take off down the hallway, before shutting the door.  
“I’m glad you two are making an effort,” Mikasa said, wrapping her arms around my neck, kissing me deeply. It would’ve been a great kiss if I wasn’t stuck thinking about Eren.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean finally meets Levi and won't tell Eren that he hates him.

Eren showed up at our house right before Mikasa left for work, giving her time to kiss his cheek before she ran out of the house. As soon as the door was shut, I grabbed Eren by the shoulders and slammed him against the door, hard. He looked up at me, his eyes glowing with either fury, or excitement. Sometimes it was hard to tell with Eren. He caught his breath and bit his lip, giving me a sort of half smirk.   
“What’s that look for?” I asked, somewhat harshly. He just shrugged lightly, looking away from me casually like it was no big deal.  
“Oh nothing, just the fact that you are married to my sister,” Eren growled. He was pushy, but he wasn’t going to leave. I knew for a fact he wasn’t letting go of me. Sure, I was married to his sister, but he was too in love with me to leave. I could tell him I was straight, and he would still sleep with me. That was Eren though. He was young, stupid, and vulnerable. I guess I shouldn’t call him stupid, I turned out to be the stupid one. He was just young and vulnerable.   
“Good to know, not really changing anything is it, Jaeger?” I asked him, pressing my lips firmly to his like the arrogant asshole I was. My arrogance is what made me snap at him when he pushed me away.   
“Come on, Eren! What the hell?” I sapped angrily. He was looking at the floor, avoiding my eyes on purpose.  
“Jean, why can’t you just tell her? You can’t keep using me like this! I will leave. I won’t wait for you if you are never gonna tell her,” Eren said, angrily. By the look on his face, he looked like he could kill me.   
I’ll never forgive myself for what I did next. I laughed.  
“You’re funny, Jaeger. You couldn’t leave me if you tried,” I said, leaning over him and smirking. I was caught off guard when he pushed me out of the way, turned around, and left my apartment.   
In the thirty seconds that it took me to register what had happened and follow him, Eren was already gone. I ran as fast as I could down the stairs into the apartment’s lobby. When I didn’t see him there, I left the building. The first thing I saw was Eren sitting on the small black bench in front of our large apartment building hugging his knees, sobbing. I had seen him cry twice on my wedding night, but never sobbing to this extent. His body was physically trembling and he could seem to catch his breath. Every once in a while, he made a noise that sounded almost pained, but other than that, his sobbing was silent. I hurried over to kneel in front of him on the ground and grab his hands in my own, kissing them quickly and making him raise his head slightly to look at me.   
“Eren! Eren, Eren, Eren, shh,” I started in an attempt to calm him down. His sobbing slowed to nearly sniffling as tears streamed down his face in steady streams that showed no signs of stopping. When I felt like he had calmed down enough, I continued. “Eren, I’m so sorry. I… I didn’t mean to… I… I promised you once for better or for worse, right? I mean it. I am going to come out, and we will get married and adopt a kid, doesn’t that sound nice? We can name him Aaron Kirstein. Like your name but spelled A-a-r-o-n. We could live together and we can drive your hearse and maybe have some seats put in the back for the kids. Okay Eren, Just give me a little more time and we will get to that point, I promise,” I said, still holding his hands in mine. He looked down at me, smiling a little.  
“I never stopped loving you, Jean. I just can’t take this ‘wait for me,’ shit anymore. I know I’m crazy about you, but I know this isn’t healthy for me at all,” Eren said, tears still in his eyes.   
“I don’t want this to be unhealthy for you, you are the most important thing to me and if not seeing me is the best option for you, then I respect that,” I said, upset to say the least. I loved him, I loved him more than anything else in the world. I never wanted to see him break down like this. His eyes were too beautiful for tears to ever stain them. He made me want to be a good person, to be like him.  
“You are such an asshole, Jean, you know that?” Eren asked, smiling through his tears. It was the same broken smile he had given me at our wedding, and it broke my heart.  
“Come on, let’s get out of here. Go get something to eat or whatever,” I said, standing up and holding my hand out to him. He looked up at me and blinked away the tears, standing up on his own. He wiped the fake smile off his face and went back to his resting scowl.   
“I gotta be home in a half an hour,” Eren mumbled, “Levi likes me to be there when he gets home.”   
“Okay, I’ll get you home by two,” I grumbled a bit, not meeting his eyes. We walked silently to the parking garage behind my apartment. Neither of us wanted to take his car and the tension surrounding the thought of anything that happened in the back of his car. I looked away quickly before hopping in my truck and starting it, quietly waiting for Eren to jump in with me. He followed shortly after and we sped off into town.   
“The sooner you tell her, the sooner we can get it on again,” Eren smiled at me, slowly coming back to his old self.  
“I promise, as soon as possible. I don’t know how long I can stand it without you. It’s already been six years. I think this is way overdue,” I said, stoking a few stray hairs out of his face.  
“It seems like we haven’t spoken to each other in years and now all we do is talk about sex,” Eren laughed a little and then smiled at me, “I missed you, Jean.”  
“Well you are amazing in bed, it’s hard not to talk about sex,” I said smirking at him, “I’ve missed you too, baby,” I said, looking into the boy’s emerald eyes. We wasted all of our time talking and crying that it was nearly time for me to drop him off. So, I sped off down the road before even asking for directions to his house.   
“Wait, Eren, where do you live?” I asked when we stopped at a traffic light.   
“MeadowBrooke apartments,” Eren said, blushing lightly. MeadowBrooke had a reputation for being a low income apartment on the worst side of town.   
“We are hoping to move at some point, I promise,” Eren said, quickly jumping to his own defense.   
“It’s totally fine, Eren. I couldn’t afford my apartment if it wasn’t for Mikasa’s income as well,” I said, pulling up to the shady looking apartment building.   
“Hey, you can come on up and meet him if you want. Then I could just tell him I’m going to be visiting you and Mikasa for a while if you wanna… Hookup,” He said whispering the last word. He smiled mischievously at me before hopping out of the car and running upstairs. I reluctantly followed him, not far behind.   
He pulled a key out of his pocket and hurried in the door before calling out to his boyfriend. He dropped the keys onto the counter before yelling his name again.   
“What the hell do you want, shitty brat?” A deep voice came from back the hall. It was almost startling how monotonous his voice was. When the man appeared in the living room, he was surprisingly short with black hair in the style of an undercut. His eyes were a piercing gray color, making him that much more intimidating. He didn’t look happy to see Eren at all, but Eren bounced over to hug him anyways, smiling from ear to ear.   
“Hey I am going to Mikasa’s for a while tonight, I’ll be back in about two hours?” Eren asked, looking at him with a small sparkle in his eyes. Damn Eren really knew how to turn on the charm. The damn kid knew how pretty his eyes were and used them to his advantage. Levi looked over at me before pulling Eren back into the hall. I had no idea what to do, so I just stood there awkwardly waiting for them to come back. Through the thin walls, I could only hear a bit of the conversation.   
“Why can’t you just trust me, Levi?” I heard Eren yell.  
“Maybe because you slept with a complete stranger so that he would ask you out. You act like a complete slut, Eren,” Levi said. Eren came out after that, twinkle in his eye completely gone.   
“Let’s go, Jean,” He grumbled, pulling me out of the apartment and slamming the door shut.   
“What the hell just happened?’’ I asked. Eren just shook his head and walked quickly out of the building. He got to my car before I did, but I unlocked it so that he could crawl in to the passenger seat and wait for me. He threw his head back and placed his hands over his eyes and began to rub them, exhaling deeply as I got into the car.  
“Are you okay, Eren?” I asked him, not starting the car until he gave me a straight answer. He just shrugged and dropped his hands to his side, ignore me and staring straight out the windshield.   
“You are not a slut, Eren,” I tried comforting him. He just shook his head and finally met my eyes.   
“Oh no, I am a slut. I always have been,” Eren said frowning. I leaned over to kiss the boy’s forehead.   
“Then don’t think of it as a bad thing. If you like sex, then have sex, there is nothing wrong with that,” I said, holding the boys hands. He looked up at me tears welling up in his eyes as he smiled.   
“I may be a slut, but I have never cheated in a relationship before this one and believe me, I have never felt so bad in my life,” Eren said shaking his head, “I would never do it again.”  
“Not long, baby, not long at all,” I said, kissing his knuckles, “It won’t be long before we can spend the rest of our lives together and you’ll never have to cheat again.”  
After that, I started the car and left to go back to my apartment, staying silent the entire way just laying my eyes on the boy every now and then. I pulled into the back parking garage and immediately checked the time. It was just passed three which gave us an hour and a half before Mikasa got home. I quickly grabbed the boy’s hand and ran out in front of the building with him, recklessly leading him upstairs and into our apartment. Once we were inside and safely behind closed doors, I lifted him up in my arms, roughly kissing the boy before carrying him into my bedroom.   
I place the boy on my bed roughly and began to remove my shirt quickly, needing the boy more than I previously had. If Levi was gonna be shitty to Eren, I would gladly fill his shoes and do it ten times better. Eren looked up at me with the same glow in his eyes as before while I loomed over him and connected our lips. He kissed back for a while, but ended up pushing me away.  
“No, Jean I’m not cheating on him... Like this,” He said, his breathing heavy. I looked down on him, my disappointment evident on my face.  
“Come on, Eren, I saw him for a half an hour and I know he is a shitty boyfriend. I could do it so much better,” I said, smirking at him.  
“Really? At least Levi is proud enough to hold my hand in public,” Eren said, angrily. He slid out from under me and sat on the edge of the bed. That’s when I knew exactly what it was Eren needed. And it was something I couldn’t give him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are getting longer and I expect them to get longer as the chapters go on. Feedback is appreciated, tell me what you think! Love you, Andy.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean ruins his chances at getting a blow job and Eren believes in ghosts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise you guys I am still interested in writing this story and I have a sequel planned. I changed my plans a little bit so notice the changes in the tags.

Eren didn’t take long to return to his usually sexual self, laying on my bed and smirking at me, winking just to tease me. Both of us knew I couldn’t have him, but here he was, being suggestive as hell. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t turning me on. He then wiggled his eyebrows and rolled away from me giggling a little bit. I finally managed to roll on top of him and pinned him to the bed. His eyebrows furrowed as he glared up at me, obviously pissed that I had him cornered. Now he couldn’t tease me and then hide his pretty face. Not that I was gonna rape him or anything, I just wanted some answers.  
“So I can’t fuck you, because that would be cheating. But making out in the back of your fucking car is just fine? Where do you draw the line?” I smirked at the boy as he struggled to get out of the awkward situation, pretending he couldn’t hear me.   
“You are married to my fucking sister, I draw the line right fucking here!” Eren growled before rolling out from underneath me. I rolled my eyes and kissed his head.   
“I’m being serious, Eren?” I said, somewhat irritated.   
“What do you want, a blowjob?” Eren said, finally giving me his signature smirk. I groaned in annoyance once again but finally gave up.  
“No Eren. I want to go back to college. When I decided an apartment just off campus would be better than living in the dorms. When we came out as a couple to your roommate, Armin. When you worked at that little restaurant on the corner and you would always volunteer to work holidays because you knew it would piss me off. I want to go back to Armin helping sneak you out of the dorms so we could make love in my apartment. I want to go back to distracting Marco when he came over unannounced and you needed to throw some clothes on. I miss being Eren and Jean instead of just Jean. I want to bring all of that back but I dug myself in too deep to ever crawl out. And I kept you waiting and I regret that the most,” I said, playing with his fingers as I did. He didn’t look me in the eye, but I knew he was thinking about what might’ve been if things had gone just a little bit differently.   
“I guess everyone remembers things differently, I remember constantly writing in my journal about everything and crying because Armin was in a happy, open relationship and I couldn’t be. I remember talking so passionately about my hatred for PDA because I was jealous of other couples who did it,” Eren said. “And looking at you now really makes me horny for something I can’t have so I’m probably gonna fuck Levi tonight, even though he thinks I’m a slut and I will find myself struggling not to scream your name.” Eren started laughing towards the end of the sentence. Then he shook his head and smiled at me.   
“Unless you’re up for that blowjob?” Eren asked smirking as he laid his head on my hip. I had to admit it was turning me on, so I unbuttoned my pants and he slid them off of my hips, pressing his lips to my v line as my boxers slide down a bit. Eren was impatient as hell and began to tug at my boxers as well.   
“Hey come on, we are taking it this far we should just fuck and then you can get off too,” I suggested, but Eren shook his head.   
“You may be cheating on Mikasa, but I am not cheating on Levi,” Eren said, pulling my boxers down to my ankles.   
“So someone else’s dick in your mouth isn’t cheating?” I asked.   
“Watch your step, Kirschtein,” he said, licking the tip of my member gently, making me shiver. I wasn’t going to complain at this point as he began to take the head in his mouth, bobbing up and down gently to a steady rhythm. I began to slowly move my hips up and down to accompany him as he slid his mouth down just a bit further letting his tongue ring bob around a bit on the length of my member. I let out a breathy moan as my heart fluttered. I shoved a hand over my mouth and started to feel the blood rush to my face. Eren then removed his mouth from my skin and I opened my eyes.   
“I like hearing you moan, remove your hand,” He smiled up at me, playing with his tongue ring between his teeth. I removed my hand and replaced it in the boy’s hair grasping chunks of it in my fists as he returned to his previous activity. He led his tongue on the sensitive length giving the head a light tap with the ball of his piercing and I began to thrust into his mouth harder, trying to hurry along the process. I could feel him restraining his gag reflex which made the process even better. I slowly then pulled him off of me, a strand of saliva still connecting us. Both of us had that same horny look in our eyes and I wanted him. I wanted him so bad. Both of us knew what the other wanted even after years of being apart. Eren looked into my eyes and shook his head.   
“We can’t do this, just jerk off or something I’m getting in the shower,” Eren said before taking off and leaving me hard and naked on my bed. I didn’t have it in my heart to be mad at him, though. I deserved that one.  
By the time Mikasa got home, Eren was asleep on the couch and I was reminding myself to leave him alone. I did the best I could to plant the smallest seed of doubt in his mind that maybe his boyfriend wasn’t as good as he thought and it blew up in my face. Eren was pissed off at me and I didn’t get any closer to where I wanted to be. I wanted to be sleeping in his bed, with my arms around him listening to his breathing. I wanted to be holding his hand and kissing him with the light shining in his eyes.  
Mikasa opened the door and I pressed a finger to my lips before pointing at her brother sleeping peacefully on the couch. She nodded and set her purse down before coming to sit on my lap in the chair we had across from our couch, kissing me deeply as I played along. When she pulled away, she looked into my eyes before turning to look at Eren.   
“You know what would be nice? Inviting Levi over for dinner with us, I have never met him and I’m sure you haven’t either and I kinda want to know why Eren seems to be here all the time and not with him. Don’t you think that is a little weird?” Mikasa whispered, emotion stirring in her grey eyes. She was obviously concerned about her brother. Almost as concerned as I was.   
“I met him through work, I know for a fact he isn’t very loving towards Eren. I think he used the term slut when referring to him,” I said looking over at Eren, who started to roll over, completely falling off the couch and hitting the floor with a loud bang which in turn made the dogs in the apartment below us start to bark.  
“Fuck me!” Eren yelled as he hit his head on the floor, sitting up quickly and looking over at Mikasa and me, neither of us moving from where we sat on the chair. I smiled at him as he sat confused on the ground looking back and forth between the two of us.   
“Wait what the fuck? When did Mikasa get home?” Eren said, rubbing the back of his head where he fell. His hair stuck up everywhere from his extreme bed head.   
“I’ve been home for a while, Eren. Why aren’t you home?” She asked. Eren’s eyes widened and he immediately jumped on the defensive.   
“Uh because I wanted to see my sister and she wasn’t home so I fell asleep,” Eren said defensively. Mikasa and I looked at each other thinking the same thing. Why is he so defensive? What is he hiding?  
“Eren, we’d like to invite you and Levi over to dinner tonight, just so that I can meet him and Jean can see him out of uniform,” Mikasa said to Eren who began to nervously rub the back of his neck.  
“Uhh, yeah. Sure that would work. I will go home and get him, um what time? What do you want us to bring?” Eren said, still obviously nervous. He was talking quickly and his voice got a bit higher than usual. Mikasa and I both knew he was hiding something, but how do you get someone to admit something they don’t want to.   
“You don’t have to bring anything, I’ll make dinner just come on over with Levi,” Mikasa said laughing a bit at her brother.   
“Okay okay but before I go, I gotta tell ya something, Mikasa,” Eren said. Mikasa shifted in my lap and turned to look at me.   
“Can you say it in front of Jean?” She asked. Eren’s eyes met mine finally and then he looked back to Mikasa. My heart was pounding and I leaned back so Mikasa couldn’t tell how scared I was. Eren wouldn’t go behind my back and tell his sister about us would he?  
“Uh I guess it depends, Jean do you believe I ghosts? Like not just ghosts but more like mediums? You know Psychics who can communicate with the dead?” Eren asked. I let out a long relieved sigh before realizing that he had asked me this question before. He knew the answer to the question, he just didn’t want Mikasa to know that I knew the answer. We were strangers to her. He was protecting me even if it hurt him. He was still just as good at faking it as he was when I left him in college.  
“It depends on the medium I guess. I believe some are real and some are fake,” I said finally. I shook my head still not over the near heart attack I had.  
“Okay, story time. I heard of this medium in another state. I know she didn’t know me but that would make it harder for her to fake it. I only told her the name of my mom and nothing else. She asked for my name but I didn’t give it. And I paid cash so she couldn’t use my name or information there. A few minutes after she connected with mom, she knew my name,” Eren stopped for a moment and I could see tears falling from his eyes. “She said something about me coming to her grave and how she listens every time. I started to cry and she asked me about J…. The guy I always talk about and if he is still treating me badly. I was shocked but not totally convinced. But she knew my dad’s name, your name, and told me to always obey traffic laws and shit. Jean, I don’t know if Mikasa told you but my mom was killed when she was hit by a drunk driver. So this couldn’t be fake. She told me to come back and I was in tears.” Eren then buried his head in his hands and continued to sob. When he finally finished, I tapped Mikasa and she stood up. I then walked over to him and lifted his head and wiped his tears on my shirt and hugged him. As I hugged him, I whispered into his ear “I’m sorry,” and he nodded, stopping his tears slowly but surely.   
Eren left after he calmed down a bit, but called no less than a half an hour later saying that he had broken up with Levi and he couldn’t come to dinner tonight. Just like that, hiding everything became that much harder. Because now, Eren would be living with us. At least until he found himself an apartment.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Mikasa have a heart to heart and Jean gets ready to come out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter before all hell breaks loose so I hope you enjoy it!

Eren slept on our couch that night, considering he didn’t have anywhere else to go, but at 3 o’clock that morning, my wife was getting ready for work and Eren was already awake typing away at his laptop. Of course, neither of them new I was up, but when Mikasa sat down to have a cup of coffee with Eren, I got interested. So, I sat up in my bed and listened as closely as I could without making it obvious. Lucky enough for me, the living room was just outside our bedroom door. That way I was able to see and hear everything without being seen in the darkness of the bedroom.  
“Eren, why are you up so early?” Mikasa asked as she made her way into the kitchen to brew some coffee. Eren didn’t look away from his laptop as he gave a short answer.  
“I have to be at work at six. When do you have to be at work?” Eren asked, finally looking away from the screen. Mikasa took out two mugs and began to pour the coffee before coming over to sit beside him.   
“I have to leave by 4. Eren, last night you were talking about boy problems. Why do you never tell me these things? It obviously wasn’t Levi’s name you were gonna say anyways so who was it?” Mikasa said handing the green eyed boy his coffee. Eren took the coffee and began to sip it despite how hot it had to be.   
“Well if I told you half of my boy problems you would’ve either killed him for hurting me like that or killed me for being so damn stupid,” Eren laughed, shutting his laptop and setting it on the floor.   
“Eren I am serious if it’s that bad just tell me what happened. You don’t have to mention names or anything if you don’t want to,” Mikasa said, shifting to face Eren to let him know he had her full attention. Eren looked a bit nervous, but began slowly.   
“Remember when I was in high school and I always talked to that one guy on my LGBT blog? The one who was in the closet? I never told you his real name I always used James so that’s what I will continue to use. So James had me so fucking love struck and then of course I went away to college and eventually we stopped talking. I mean he was all the way in Australia. But he always promised to move to the states…” Eren started and a red flag popped up in my head. Mikasa knew I was from Australia. I had to get up and pretend I wasn’t listening. I also had to find a way to stop too much from getting out. I figure if I am sitting there staring him in the eye, he won’t say anything too revealing. I got up and slowly walked into the living room and Eren stopped his story to look up at me. I could see a short blast of emotion in his eyes but it went away too quickly for me to register what it was. I walked over to the kitchen to brew some coffee myself and sat down across from the two of them.   
“Eren you are not still seeing him are you? I will let you finish but he sounds like an asshole who’s using you for sex,” Mikasa said, basically not even acknowledging my existence. Not that I cared, I was happy to be able to sneak in to the conversation.  
“Sometimes. But yeah I know he is some asshole who just wants sex he has made that very obvious but then there are times when he says he is gonna come out and he is always asking me to wait for him. I wish I could just let him go but every time I try, I come up with so many reasons to stay. And anyways, after college I never spoke to him again. Until just recently when I was working on a case and I found out he got married,” Eren said and my eyes widened. He had to reroute or else his sister was gonna catch on.   
“Eren he is married! Move on. I know you don’t wanna hear this but if he is married then he isn’t just gonna divorce his wife to come back to you. It’s over. Find someone knew. Someone out there will treat you right I promise, Eren,” Mikasa said.   
“I don’t know I mean maybe he is still trying to find himself too. Like look at all the people who get divorced and remarry someone of the same sex. It happens all the time. I say let the boy be in love. If ya wanna fuck him fuck him but let him take his time to come out,” I spoke up finally and Mikasa glared at me.   
“Don’t encourage him, Jean. That’s my brother and he is obviously in pain can’t you see that? Eren obviously loves this guy and I don’t want him to push himself over the edge with that guy. I most certainly do not want him to fuck this guy and give him what he wants. Yes coming out is hard. Yes people remarry after divorce but that is an unlikely chance and you can’t wait for him your entire life Eren because what if he never comes around? You wanna die never knowing true love? Because I certainly do not want that,” Mikasa said. Eren ran his hand through his hair and sighed.   
“If I fuck him, he will never divorce. I will remain his fuck buddy for the rest of my life so I know I can’t do that. And yet yesterday I almost gave him a blow job,” Eren said and I choked on my coffee. Mikasa laughed a bit and smiled at me.   
“Sorry, Jean. It must be awkward being the only straight one in the room,” Mikasa giggled and my eyes widened again.  
“What about you aren’t you straight?” I asked.   
“I like girls and guys so that doesn’t exactly count,” Mikasa laughed, “But Eren this James guy better hope I never meet him because he took it too far. I hope he starts taking advantage of someone else real quick.”   
“I guess I will never get your blessing then?” Eren asked.   
“Eren you know what they say. Once a cheater always a cheater,” Mikasa said.   
“Unless he has some kind of guilt complex. Like look how many people I have hurt so far I will never do that again kind of thing,” I said looking Eren in the eye.   
“If he had one of those he would’ve came out by now, some people are just dicks, Eren. I am sure mom would say the same thing,” Mikasa said, wrapping her arms around Eren’s shoulders.   
“She did,” Eren whispered. Mikasa kissed his cheek and stood up.   
“I gotta go to work. When I get home we are looking for an apartment for you, sound good?” Mikasa asked and Eren nodded. Mikasa then walked over and kissed me before walking to the door.   
“Jean don’t encourage him while I’m gone,” she said closing the door behind her. Then it was just Eren and I alone in the living room.   
“I am sorry Eren,” I started, but he was already picking up to leave. He said nothing to me as he left the apartment.   
After I got to work only a half an hour later, I made it my goal to find Eren, and to do that I had to find the schedule. After checking the dates and times for Eren I would check the location. But once I got to the schedule, Eren wasn’t scheduled until this weekend. There isn’t much work for a cybercrime investigator here in Trost. I knew that wasn’t good and I knew I had to find him on my break. The longer I waited to address the issue, the more my perfect fake life started to crumble away. Being in the closet and making a fake life for yourself can sometimes seem so real that you never want to lay eyes on another gay guy again. Because one little slip can bring you back into harsh reality. But I there was no avoiding Eren anymore now that I was married to his sister so I had to talk to him. I had to come out.   
As soon as I was off the clock at around 11 in the afternoon, I called Eren’s cell and prayed for an answer. Mikasa wouldn’t be home for another two hours, so I would have plenty of time to come up with something to say. When he finally picked up my heart stopped. He was obviously crying on the other end.   
“If you’re calling for a quick fuck, forget it,” Eren said, failing to hide his tears even through the phone.   
“I’m calling to find out where you are. I don’t want to fuck until I come out tomorrow night. I mean we’re all going out for my birthday and stuff so it would be a good time. I just wanna talk about it face to face,” I said. I couldn’t wait to surprise him by coming out early, but that was a different matter. I wasn’t ready yet.   
“I am at Woodlad Cemetery. On Penny lane. You’ll see me when you get here,” Eren said. I shook my head and hung up the phone without even saying goodbye. I hurried on over as quickly as possible to make sure I didn’t keep him waiting any longer than I already had.   
The cemetery was huge and at this point it seemed like a never ending sea of grey. One stone after the other. Some were so worn down you couldn’t even read the names. This was only the second time I had ever been in a cemetery. The first was when Eren suggested a private date in one way back in college. He was always fascinated by the place but I didn’t see what was so special.  
When I approached him, he wasn’t looking at me. He was crouched in front of a small stone that had the names Carla and Grisha Jaeger on it. Along with two sets of dates.   
“Eren, how did you do it? Come out I mean,” I said, standing almost directly behind him.   
“I started with someone I knew would accept me, Mikasa, then together we told my dad and after that I didn’t really care what others thought of me because I was so much happier. But you gotta remember that I didn’t have myself in as deep as you are. You really fucked up. And saying that I should fuck you in front of Mikasa must’ve taken serious balls, right Jean?” Eren didn’t look at me as he spoke, which may have been the worst part.   
“That is not what I was trying to say. I was just saying if we were going to do anything we might as well just fuck!” I said, raising my voice at him out of anger. He finally turned around and stared up at me and I quickly clapped a hand over my mouth. I knew I had fucked up.   
“You know what, Jean? Come out or don’t come out it’s your choice. But this shit that you keep pulling, even in front of my mom, just pushes me farther and farther away. You have encased yourself in this fake body and I have no idea if you will ever come out. I do know this, you are most certainly not the person I fell in love with,” Eren said standing up and pushing past me to his car. I stared after him in shock as he drove off.   
I didn’t go directly home until I knew for a fact that Mikasa would be there and she certainly was. I walked in and gave her a kiss despite Eren glaring at me. I could tell Eren was waiting for me to grow a pair and man up. I knew if I didn’t come out, I would lose him for good. But he thought I was coming out tomorrow so what would one little day hurt?   
“Eren, I talked to Armin and his grandpa and he owns some apartments in Shingashina, wanna go see if you can’t put your name in?” Mikasa asked. Eren snapped out of his daze and smiled at her.   
“Yeah that sounds good. I was thinking of moving back to shingashina anyways,” Eren said, looking anywhere but at me.   
“You wanna come along too, Jean? You haven’t seen Armin in a while,” Mikasa asked. I didn’t know how to turn her down but I did know I didn’t want to be in the same place as Eren for too long because the tension between us was more than obvious. I can’t have Mikasa catching on just yet.   
“Nah, I will stay here, but tell Armin I said hey!” I said before moving back into our bedroom and out of Eren’s line of sight.   
“I have been talking to another guy. And I really like him. I might just ask him out,” Eren whispered from behind me, making me jump a little. I had no idea he had followed me.   
“Wow, good for you, congratulations,” I said sarcastically. Eren looked hurt but I didn’t care. I couldn’t believe I had come all this way and made all this progress just to be shot down by the boy who I loved. The boy I had done all of this for. But he just nodded and turned around to leave my apartment.   
As soon as he was gone I sat down and began writing. I began to write our story. Everything about him from the way his eyes sparkle with excitement to the way he smiles slightly and it means the entire world to me. I started our story with my wedding and I didn’t feel like stopping. But when I started writing I had no idea how it would end or if it was even worth sharing. But I just wrote and wrote until they got home that night. Looking back now I wish I had written it all sooner. But I also wish I had a different story to tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may or may not be the last chapter for the day I have to stop myself from posting it all at once.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean doesn't know what he has until he nearly loses it.

Waking up one year older sure was a fun experience. Really the only good thing about the day itself was the fact that I got off work to go get drunk with Eren. The bad news was, our designated driver was Eren’s new boyfriend. As if spending the night with my wife in between us wasn’t bad enough, now you add in some guy Eren is head over heels for and everything gets complicated. You know you’re getting old when you get one day off and sleep in until 3 pm on your birthday.   
Mikasa was nowhere to be found when I woke up, but Eren was clearly yelling at someone in the hallway. I decided it was my duty to step out in the hall and quiet him down. When I sleepily opened the door, I saw him on the phone with tears of anger falling freely from his eyes.   
“What the hell is this? Quiet down! Jesus Christ you want the neighbors out here chewing me out?!” I said, loudly over the boy on the phone. Eren then turned to look at me, his lip quivering as he continued to cry. The tears in his eyes, making the green that much more noticeable.   
“Yeah I am sorry too! But learning all this stuff this morning is upsetting and I’m sorry for complaining and shit about my families problems, I know it must be hard for you to deal with! Yeah if you never want to speak to me again that is just dandy but why the fuck would you say that shit to my boyfriend? Tell your sister or someone who doesn’t like me but leave Marco out of it!” Eren said, loudly crying into the phone. I glared at Eren and finally grabbed his shirt collar and dragged him into the apartment.   
Eren finally hung up the phone and threw it on to the couch and began sobbing hysterically and of course I did the stupid thing and walked away. I was pissed at him for doing this to me. Why the hell would he want to go to Marco when I promised him I would come out? I convinced myself I didn’t care just to avoid hurting myself even more. I was thinking for myself and not for the person I cared about the most. Maybe that can go at the top of my list of regrets.   
Mikasa got home maybe an hour and a half later and hurried into the kitchen to set down a large brown bag before coming over to jump in my arms.   
“Happy birthday!” She squealed, hugging me and smiling. I watched Eren turn around to look at us, but I refused to look him dead in the eyes. Mikasa then turned around and smiled at him. She immediately noticed something was wrong with her brother and sat down beside him on the sofa.   
“What’s going on?” Mikasa asked, sitting down beside him. He looked up at me and I took the hint. I grabbed my cell phone and headed out into the hallway. I had to call Marco anyways. First of all to see if he would be our designated driver for the night. Second of all to see where he stood with Eren.  
“Hey, Jean Happy birthday,” Marco greeted as soon as he picked up the phone.   
“Hey, are you free tonight? Mikasa, Eren and I are gonna get wasted and we kinda need a DD and since you are the only one of us who doesn’t drink I figured you were our best bet,” I said, trying to put on my best happy voice.   
“Yeah! Sounds great! When are you guys leaving? I mean not that I’m busy I was just wondering,” Marco said laughing a little into the phone.   
“Like can you be here in 20 minutes? We gotta get ready but we should be good after that,” I said, “Oh and a bit of warning, Eren may start getting sexual on you if he gets too drunk.”  
“Oh, ha ha, I don’t think I’d mind. Okay see you in about twenty minutes then,” Marco said, laughing a little. I didn’t know what to say, so I just hung up the phone. I walked back into my apartment and stared at Eren and Mikasa on the couch. Mikasa was rubbing small circles into Eren’s back as he continued to cry. When he heard the door to the apartment shut. He immediately smiled and laughed, that same broke laugh that he gave me when he was sitting in the back of his hearse.   
“Oh well, its Jean’s birthday so I will let everything go and get drunk and forget about it until tomorrow,” Eren gave another weak laugh and ran a hand through his hair. He exchanged an inside glance with Mikasa and they both stood up and walked over to the table. Mikasa let out a sigh and leaned on the table. She wasn’t as happy or excited as she was before, she seemed like she was in a more tense state. My first thought was that she knows, but if she knew, why didn’t she tell me?   
By the time Marco arrived, Eren was half dressed and Mikasa and I were snuggled up on the couch. The mood wasn’t as tense, but something sure wasn’t right. Marco knocked on the door and I quickly jumped up to let him in. He smiled and hugged me and Mikasa in turn before hollering for Eren. Eren quickly appeared wearing black dress pants and an unbuttoned red dress shirt. He smiled and hugged Marco, not even bothering to button his shirt. When he pulled away he continued to absentmindedly button his shirt in the living room.   
“So since no one wants drink on an empty stomach so how about we get some take out and go back to my place and have some cake to celebrate?” Marco suggested and everyone seemed to agree so that’s what we did. Eren was definitely lightening up, even offering to let Marco drive his hearse.   
“Wait, is this thing gonna hold all of us?” I asked, remembering the last time I was in the hearse it only had two seats.  
“Yeah, I had the rollers taken out of the back and put seats in. I figured if I was gonna have the car for a while I may as well be able to transport more people,” Eren said, opening the back to allow me to crawl in. I was surprised that he followed me. Eren stared at the floor of the car, zoning out once again. I couldn’t tell if he was reliving my wedding night or the night of his mom’s funeral, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to know in the first place. He finally let out a sigh and turned around to face forward in his seat directly behind Marco. Marco turned around to look at us through the small window that separated us. Eren giggled and playfully shut the curtains before opening them back up again. Marco giggled and shook his head before starting the car.   
I figured the reason Eren sat in the back with me was to give us a little privacy. Hopefully he would kiss me and tell me he was still waiting for me. Then, he opened the window between Marco and himself and that chance went out the window.   
“Hey Eren, how fast can a hearse go? Like really do they go as fast as other cars?” Marco asked. Eren laughed and nodded.   
“Yes I think you can reach like ninety miles an hour on here at least. That’s the fastest I’ve ever gone,” Eren said, leaning back in his seat as Marco finally pulled into the drive thru. Marco began to burst out laughing when he pulled up to pay. The man at the counter looked down into the car and Marco finally stopped himself from laughing long enough to give the man the money.   
“I have never went through a drive through driving a hearse and their reaction was absolutely gold!” Marco laughed as he handed the bag back to Eren and I. Eren sat in down by our feet as Marco started the short ride to his house. Marco lived on a long windy road called Talmadge road, which was the scariest thing for me to drive on considering one wrong move could send you into someone else’s yard. But Marco had driven this road every day for years. He seemed to have no care in the world. He hit the gas and sped right through most traffic as the speedometer rose. Eren smiled and closed the curtain whispering “My mom would be so pissed,” As he kissed me roughly, being as quiet as possible not to alert Marco or Mikasa as I kissed him back.   
“This is what Nascar racing feels like,” Marco laughed as he sped through the twists and curves. I finally broke away because Marco’s driving seemed to be getting out of hand.  
“How fast are you even going, Marco?” I asked loudly over the roar of the engine. The car whipped us around like a ride at the carnival would, shoving me up against Eren.   
“Right now, I am at eighty five miles per hour. I wanna beat Eren’s record in this old thing,” Marco laughed.   
“Slow the hell down!” Eren said. Marco’s house finally came into view and he tried to tap the breaks as easily as possible so that he wouldn’t send us all into a whiplash.   
“Shit shit shit!” Marco yelled. The car began to serve around into the other lane, luckily there was no head on traffic or Mikasa and Marco would’ve probably been killed. Marco nearly got control of the car when I heard Eren yell “Marco!” Mikasa turned around to look at Eren and the car spun to the right. After that, everything was in slow motion. When you are in a life or death situation your thinking becomes slower and slower and everything seems so fake but it gives you time to analyze everything. I could see the concrete wall that served as a guard rail coming closer and closer to the car, but the small pole in front of it was another scary factor. With the speed of the car the pole was no match, but it could still tear up the car and potentially end Marco’s life.  
In this situation, you know there aren’t many outcomes. One would be that the front corner of the car hits the wall. Another would be the entire right side hits the wall. Another would be that the entire left side hits the wall. All of these possibilities are fatal. It’s just a matter which of us is the luckiest and who is left to deal with the pain of surviving.   
Eren’s eyes widened as he looked at me. Our eyes met and both of us knew that this could be the end for us. They always talk about seeing your life flash before your eyes and I guess mine did. I saw nothing but gorgeous green eyes and beautiful smiles full of life. I saw a frustrated kid laying on my apartment floor desperately trying to finish his homework in time. I saw an angry family restaurant employee in his little apron telling me to get lost because he was busy and he needed to cut pies. I saw a young adult in the back of my pizza delivery truck sweating and breathing heavily as he hurried to get dressed. I saw an 18 year old boy looking hopelessly lost and aged way passed his time as he bawled and bawled over the death of his father. I saw a young police officer in training blinking the sleep out of his eyes as he sat up in my bed. I saw a boy who knew too much about loss for his age comforting me when my brother went into the hospital after the car accident that nearly took his life. I saw a soon-to-be college graduate standing in the middle of the street watching my car pull away with all of my things ready to leave him behind. I saw a slightly older and very sexy version of the boy I fell for laying broken and hurt in the back of his hearse. I saw the same boy smile at me and kiss me and pick me up when I was down over and over again, but never once did I see myself doing the same for him.   
I was snapped back into reality and all I saw was green tear filled eyes staring directly at me as we spun farther and farther off the road. It seemed like slow motion as the car slammed into the pole, instantly bending it forwards and slamming the left slide of the car violently into a concrete wall on the side of the road with a loud bang!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean learns how destructive one stupid decision can be and that coming out is crucial.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This book is coming to an end. This chapter may be a little upsetting with some descriptions of the aftermath of a car accident. I personally began crying while writing it.

When I woke up in the hospital, the first thing I saw was Armin sitting by my bed reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. My head was pounding and all the noise made my head spin. I had never had so many machines hooked up to me in my entire life. My thoughts we’re trying to tell me where I was and what had happened but nothing was coming. I laid in the hospital bed squeezing my eyes shut cursing myself for not remembering what the hell happened. Then all at once I remembered. Kissing Eren in the back of his hearse and Marco losing control of the car. Marco, Eren, Mikasa. Which f them survived.   
“Looks like you’re awake, Jean. That’s good. You aren’t going to need surgery either. You are probably wondering why you’re here aren’t you?” Armin asked me with his fake cheery attitude. He was approaching me carefully like you would a child who had just experienced the death of a pet. He wasn’t sure if I had connected the dots yet but he was being careful just in case.  
“I know why I am here Armin. How are the others? Eren, Mikasa, Marco?” I asked, turning my head slightly to get a better look at Armin sitting on the right side of my bed. His eyes widened and he put down his book. He seemed shocked to hear me speak as if he wasn’t expecting me to answer him. He put his book down and his expression changed drastically. He was much more serious and much more somber. Just from the look on his face I knew it wasn’t good news. He lifted his head and looked me in the eyes, smile gone from his face completely.   
“Well, I’m not supposed to tell you anything,” Armin started, pulling his chair closer to my bed, “But you aren’t going into surgery and you are in stable condition. And I am so happy to hear you, uh… responsive. You have a concussion and some major bruising and cuts on your face, mainly where the little window thing between the front and the back shattered and cut your right cheek. Your legs will be a little weak but nothing a little physical therapy can’t fix.” He paused for a minute as if contemplating what to tell me next.  
“Marco was dead on impact. In simplest terms, you came out of it with the least damage. Eren and Mikasa are both still in a coma, Eren is in critical condition and still on life support. Mikasa was taken off life support this morning but the doctors still think she could be paralyzed from the waist down. Her legs still won’t move,” Armin said, looking at me carefully to make sure I was still okay with all of this new information. I was shocked that Marco was gone and it hadn’t fully sank in yet.   
“What are the doctors saying about Eren? What are his chances? Is he going to be okay?” I asked, my heart racing as I spoke. I was one of those seeing is believing people and this wasn’t really making sense to me. Marco, the boy who had trained with me in the police academy, was never going to wake up ever again. My wife, who had danced with me countless times in the living room to whatever old record we could find, may never walk again. And Eren, The boy who was may everything from the moment I began talking to him, is on life support and in critical condition.   
“His chances are very slim, Jean. It’s been three days and he still isn’t breathing on his own. There is still some brain activity but not much. He is on the edge. He could… pass over anytime,” Armin paused for a second to look at his shoes and then his eyes returned to mine, “I’ll tell you what. Everyone has been talking about encouraging him and Mikasa and you as well to stay strong and stuff. I don’t know if it helped you but maybe it will help Eren. Do you want to talk to him? I mean I am sure a nurse will take you in to see him.” I knew I would do anything to make sure Eren made it out alive, but I wasn’t sure I believed in all of this. As of right now, the last time I saw Eren he was scared out of his mind, but he was actively staring back at me. I was scared that if I went to see him now, he would be broken and unresponsive and look overall awful, and if he didn’t wake up, that is how I would remember him. But if I didn’t go see him, and he died, I would never forgive myself for not saying everything I needed to. I sighed loudly before nodding at Armin who smiled and stood up to get a nurse. I sat up in my bed and looked around a bit before a nurse I recognized from my wedding as Petra came in to speak with me.   
“Jean, you’re sitting up. And talking to Armin I hear. And you asked about Eren and your wife I assume?” Petra asked, standing over me and looking at multiple machines and writing down notes.   
“Yeah, I wanna see Eren,” I said. I figured they would tell me I just woke up and it wasn’t safe to move me yet, but she didn’t.   
“With all the progress you are making it shouldn’t be a problem, I’ll get you a wheelchair,” Petra smiled and left the room, leaving only me and Armin to make awkward eye contact.  
“This is real isn’t it? Armin I just don’t see how this is possible,” I said, sitting up. I never thought someone could just wake up from a coma and be able to control this much of their body. Petra helped me stand up and sit back down in the wheelchair. It felt good to kind of stretch everything out again.   
I noticed right away I was in the ICU since I had visited Mikasa at the hospital during many of her shifts when we were dating. Petra took my wheelchair down to another hallway before stopping outside a small room with the curtain drawn. She left me in the hallway and she opened the curtain to check on him. She finally came back out and wheeled me into the small hospital room. I began to cry as soon as I saw him. I remember only that he was looking at me when the crash happened and there was a gash on the right side of my face where the glass busted and cut me slightly, however the left side of Eren’s face was completely torn up, as if small pieces of glass totally tore up the side of his face from his forehead to his chin. There was a deep gash on his lip and another one on his eyebrow. The rest of the cuts looked minor and less permanent. There was a less deep gash that ran from the corner of his left eye to the bottom of his ear lobe, however it wasn’t deep enough to leave a scar when he had fully healed. Other than that he had a tube in his mouth that must have been his life support and a million other tubes tracking his heart and his oxygen as they made their occasional buzzing and beeping. I didn’t know how to read any of the numbers but I prayed to god that they were good.   
“Eren, I don’t know if you can hear me but um, Armin’s saying you can and I figured that it was worth it to give you some encouragement. Because I want more than anything for you to live. Things are so much different now Eren I’m sorry. I- I never realized how awful what I did to you was. Just please wake up. Wake up and tell me you still love me. That way I can apologize and I would know you heard me. But Eren I’m sorry! I am so damn sorry. And sitting in a hospital bed and hearing Armin say you aren’t awake yet it just made me think of how I would do things differently if I could. I am coming out. To everyone. Mikasa, my mom, my little brother, complete strangers, I will tell everyone that I am so in love with Eren Jaeger. I will shout it from the roof tops and everywhere else if you just stay here with me. And every time you leave for work I will kiss you goodbye on the hand the way I used to when you would leave my apartment to go to class and you called me a dork. And we can tie the knot. I will get you a ring as soon as you wake up. I can divorce your sister and make sure we have her blessing and we can move out of the city and into a real home. Adopt kids like you always wanted. Prudence and Jude? Those were the names you liked right? But the first step to all of this is waking up!” I said, tears falling gently into my lap. I don’t know when I started crying, or when Eren’s nurse came into the room, but it didn’t matter to me. She gave me a sympathetic smile and walked over to check the machines hooked up to Eren.   
“Could he tell if I kissed him?” I asked, looking up at her with my obviously blood shot eyes. She smiled and nodded before looking back to her clipboard. So, I stood up on weak knees and leaned over the hospital bed, pushing the boy’s hair back on his forehead and kissing the tan skin underneath. I would’ve given anything to kiss him on the mouth, but I didn’t want to interfere with the life support machine. When I closed my eyes, it was just like kissing his forehead as he slept on or couch, or in my bed. But I knew this was different, because when I opened my eyes, his didn’t flutter open and he didn’t shove me away. My tears fell onto the boy’s skin and rolled down his face making it look like he was crying too. And I prayed to god or anyone who was listening that Eren had enough fight left in him to wake up.   
“Dammit Eren you never gave up before what the hell is different now! Marco is dead! I cannot lose you too! I love you and I know I didn’t appreciate you as much as I should have and I can’t wait for every morning that you wake up at my side and I can tell you how much I love you. Dammit just wake up! Stay!” I rose my voice loud enough for probably every neighboring room to hear. Armin then rushed in the room and sided to a stop.   
“Mikasa is awake!” He huffed, obviously out of breath. I sat back down in my wheelchair, still using the bed railing as support and Armin took one look at Eren before whispering something I couldn’t hear and taking off with me in my wheelchair.   
When we reached her room, she was staring at the ceiling blinking occasionally. She didn’t react to us being there and I immediately grabbed her hand. Her black hair was pushed aside and out of her face, revealing a large cut under her eye. She looked at me and at Armin, but said nothing.   
“Hey Mikasa,” I tried to speak to her, but she showed no reaction. The only reaction I got from her was a squeeze of her hand. She closed her eyes again and continued to move her fingers.   
“That’s all we’re gonna get, Jean,” Armin said. “You were the same way when you woke up. All day yesterday you just held my hand.”  
“What is today?” I asked. I thought it was only the 8th but my birthday was the 7th so it had to be a little later than that.   
“It’s the 12th. April 12,” Armin said. Just then, Mikasa’s nurse, Annie, came in and checked her machines. She reached down and grabbed the girls hand and gave a small smile that was gone just as quickly as it came.   
“Jean she knew. She knew about you and Eren. He told her right before you guys left. She called me and told me that she didn’t want to get into a fight on your birthday. She told me that she would give you both her blessing after the divorce because she wanted Eren to be happy. So you don’t have to waste time coming out to her. She knows Jean and she isn’t very happy with you. She still cares about you and knows you still care about her. She really wants to remain family, even after all of this blows over. She didn’t have time to tell me much else but I’m sure she will fill us both in when she becomes responsive again,” Annie said, looking at me with expressionless eyes. She looked at Armin and then back to Mikasa before leaving the room again.   
Armin looked over at me and then out into the hallway to where Eren’s room was. He closed his eyes and silent tears began to run down his face. He began to tremble from crying and then looked up at me and shook his head.   
“She’s gotta wake up soon. She is Eren’s POA and the doctors have already started tracking brain activity. They don’t think he stands a chance, Jean,” Armin said. He looked out into the hall again just a Petra returned to the hospital room to see me again.   
“I think that’s enough for one day, Jean. You need to get some rest to help recover from that concussion of yours,” Petra smiled at me before pushing my wheelchair back towards my room. Armin kissed Mikasa’s head and followed us back to my room. My head was throbbing and one thought kept spinning around in my brain. What if I lost Eren Jaeger? Thinking back on everything that he shared with me and the person that he made me today, I couldn’t imagine living without him. I went for six years without talking to him but at least I knew he was still out there somewhere. Knowing that I would never be able to see him again was the scariest thought that had ever crossed my mind.   
“Jeanbo! You’re awake!” I turned my head quickly to see my mother and my little brother standing in the doorway to my hospital room. “They wouldn’t let more than one person back here until you were in a responsive state, oh my baby!” She said, hugging me gently in my wheelchair as she began to sob. She was hugging me like if she was too rough I may snap in half, but I wrapped my arms around her neck anyways and kissed her cheek.   
“Hi Mama Je suis désolé pour tout cela . Je vous aime tous les deux tellement,” I said quietly into her ear as I hugged her.   
“Non Jeanbo Je suis content que tu vas bien . Justin et moi étions tellement inquiets surtout après avoir entendu parler ... Marco,” She said pulling away. I looked at my feet, avoiding her gaze as I felt myself tear up.   
“Mama, I really thought I had more time to tell you this but, I just watched with my very own eyes how quickly life can slip away and I figured I should tell you now. Maman je suis pédé,” I said, crying openly now. I was scared to death but it wasn’t as scary as the thought of letting Eren down. I had a promise to keep.  
“Nous parlerons plus tard. Vous êtes en vie et que tout ce qui compte . Si être dans l'amour avec un autre homme est la pire chose qui sort de ce alors qui est pas mal du tout . Vous êtes toujours respirer Jeanbo,” My mother said, holding my head in her hand. I could tell she was shocked and not exactly happy, but she meant what she said.   
“Come on, Jean. Personne ne se soucie si vous avez une chose pour les gars. Si quelque chose comme ça allait venir entre nous, nous ne l'aurions pas attendu dans la salle d'attente pendant quatre jours,” My brother Justin said, kneeling down in front of my wheelchair.   
“It’s not just guys in general,” I said, drawing in a sharp breath, “It’s Eren.” My mother and my brother’s facial expression changed from one of shock to one of pity.   
“Oh, Jeanbo. Is he doing okay?” She asked. Armin looked up from his book to look my way.   
“Um… He is still on life support and the doctors aren’t very optimistic. I spoke to him today. He looked so sick and so hurt,” I started to speak but began sobbing thinking about the lively boy who always had a snarky remark just wasting away in that hospital bed. Hell if he could, he would’ve given life itself a nasty comeback. But he can’t. And the uncertainty of not knowing if he ever could again was something that haunted me.   
Annie knocked on the door frame before entering my room. She looked around at everyone in the room before her eyes landed on Armin.   
“Armin, Mikasa wants to see you,” She said before turning around and leaving my room.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa is approached about pulling the plug on Eren's life support and Jean finds a special way to say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half way through writing this chapter I changed my mind and rewrote it. I hope I made the right choice.

Timing is everything when someone you love is in a vegetative state. And out of the next day, I spent most of it in the hospital room with my wife. We talked a lot. About Eren, about our marriage, about the crash, about college. I made sure she knew that I truly cared about her, I wasn’t just marrying her as a cover up. She said she understood and that it wasn’t something she took personally and that she cared about me too, but at this point it would be better if we split. I agreed, of course, because after 6 years of being desperately in love with her brother, I knew I could never truly be in love with her too. I still loved her, but more as a sister than a wife.   
Around three o’clock that afternoon, Petra, Annie and Eren’s nurse, that I wasn’t familiar with, all gathered into Mikasa’s room, along with four different doctors I didn’t know. Nothing about it seemed good, but we all just kinda stared at each other for a minute wondering who should speak first. The doctors looked from me to Mikasa to each other before Mikasa finally spoke.   
“What is this?” She asked, her voice raising a little louder than her normal voice.   
“Mikasa Ackerman, you are Eren Jaeger’s power of attorney, right?” The first doctor asked, stepping forward and staring down at his clipboard. I gasped and covered my mouth. After the car accident my brother was involved in, I knew what was coming. We had to go through something similar when they explained how life support worked to my mother and I nearly six years ago and I don’t think anything has changed.   
“Yes that is correct,” Mikasa said, she showed no emotion in her voice, but I could tell she was worried. I wasn’t just scared, I was terrified. I knew it was standard procedure, but they should’ve already gone over this by now.   
“We have had doctors checking on Mr. Jaeger’s wellbeing and monitoring all of the activity we could in his vegetative state. And when someone is on life support and the doctors think there is no way for the patient to return to a cognitive state, we have to approach the POA about removing life support. After the patient is removed from life support, he more than likely will stop breathing and within a few minutes, his heart will stop as well. Some people start breathing as soon as the machine is unplugged, but more than likely with Mr. Jaeger this will not be the case. Eren is brain dead, so more than likely he will not recover. We always recommend taking the uncomfortable machines off of the patient to give them the most comfortable death possible. But legally we can’t do it without your signature,” The doctor said. Mikasa shook her head and stared at the doctor.  
“No! No Armin told me he was talking. He was talking to Armin right after the crash he was fine then, what’s different now?” Mikasa asked, now angry with the man who had been speaking previously. Another doctor stepped forward to give his insight to the problem.  
“Mr. Jaeger hit his head in a specific way that causes what is called Talk and Die syndrome. Eren was fine for nearly an hour before lapsing into a coma because his skull filled up with blood. We did multiple tests with multiple unrelated doctors and Eren showed no chance of returning to a cognitive state. We have one more doctor in there right now and once he gives his opinion if you do not agree to sign these papers we are going to have to go to court. I know this is a lot so we will give you some time to think it over. We will be back once he gives his opinion,” The doctor said before bowing his head and the four of them left the room.   
“I don’t want to see him go,” Eren’s nurse said before shaking her head and leaving as well so that it was just Annie, Petra, Mikasa and I in the room. That is, until Armin walked in with a shy smile. He waved at the four of us before looking at the nurses and leaning against the wall.   
“So we came to discuss discharge with the two of you. If you choose to do outpatient therapy, you can still make it to Marco’s funeral tonight. If you want to stay in the hospital and do inpatient physical therapy, you will miss the funeral tonight,” Annie said, showing no emotion as she spoke. Mikasa shook her head before speaking.  
“I would prefer outpatient therapy anyways, I just can’t stop thinking about Eren,” She said, looking up at Annie.   
“Well no one else will say it this bluntly but Eren is dead, hooking him up to all of those machines is not going to keep him alive. Is there any kind of family or friends who still need to come in and say goodbye? Because you and I both know that that’s the only reason we still keep brain dead patients breathing. I would say, from a friend’s perspective not a nurses, that you should all say goodbye and sign the paper work. Waiting longer does nothing to help him, Mikasa,” Annie said, her blue eyes showing a small hint of hurt, but she quickly covered it up and she left the room.  
“So you are both being discharged today, that’s good. The funeral isn’t until 7 o’clock so you still have time to get ready and stuff once they release you. I can drive you all home once they let you go,” Armin said, pausing to look at me and then at Mikasa.   
“I- Eren’s dead, Armin. My only family I have left is dead. At 25 years old,” Mikasa said, bluntly. She wasn’t crying. She wasn’t exactly showing any emotion. She didn’t do that often, but she seemed completely shut off emotionally. Armin, who was sitting in the window sill now, just stared at her for a moment before tears began to fall from his eyes.   
The mood was quiet for a while as we all sat around the room, wanting to cry but the only one who could was Armin. We were thinking about our friends that we had lost in such a short amount of time.  
As soon as we were released, we were taken over to Eren’s room again, but this time, all three of us went in together. Mikasa gasped and stood up shakily to hug him, placing her face against his chest, which was still rising and falling with the help of the breathing machine.   
“He’s still breathing. His heart is still beating,” Mikasa said, now crying loudly as she held his limp body in her arms. It was painful to watch, since I had never seen Mikasa cry and to my knowledge, Armin hadn’t either. But this was different. Mikasa was right in front of us, holding her dead brother in her arms as she cried freely without caring who saw.   
After nearly a half an hour of that, Armin had cried all of the tears his little body was able to produce, so he just walked over to Eren and whispered a goodbye before kissing the boy’s forehead and pushing my wheelchair over to him. I stood up and slowly sat down on his bed.   
“Sorry I can’t really kneel down,” I whispered. I took his hand in mine and slowly pressed it to my lips, noticing the tears falling onto his skin.   
“I love you, see you after class,” I said through my tears. I smiled down at the boy and continued to hold his hand while the doctor came in to pull the plug. I just kept running my hand over his still warm skin.   
“Mikasa Ackerman, my name is Doctor Allen Green. I have been monitoring Eren’s well-being for the last 24 hours since all of the doctors have probably told you he is brain dead and shows no signs of recovery however, after closely monitoring the boy and his brain activity, he reacted to being pinched. I’m not saying he is waking up, but I am saying he has enough chance of recovering that removing life support may not be a bad thing. You can’t blame these doctors who had been watching him. Mr. Jaeger’s case was very rare and he wasn’t their only patient. He was my only patient and I had a bit more time to run some test and stuff. As for his memory I am not sure how much He will remember, however, he will be able to fully function again with proper therapy,” The doctor said and I began to cry again.   
“You mean, Eren will live?” I asked, through my tears.  
“We will see how he does once life support is removed. If we need to we will put him back on life support after seeing how he reacts to life without machines to keep him alive,” Dr. Green said. As soon as the machine was turned off, Eren’s heart still pumped immediately. His breathing continued and the doctors just kind of stood around him and stared after him in shock.   
His eyes darted around the room and he coughed a couple of times before his eyes rested on Mikasa. He didn’t speak, he just stared at her before closing his eyes again. We all sat on the edge of our seats waiting for him to wake up again, however nothing happened. Annie and Petra returned to Eren’s room to wheel us out to Armin’s car and I was left with my heart pounding and to many emotions to know how exactly to react. I was happy but I didn’t have the energy to celebrate yet. Not until I knew for sure how Eren would recover. And I was going to my best friend’s funeral tonight.  
No one talked during the ride home. Usually a homecoming is a good thing, but no one was in the mood to celebrate. I myself, couldn’t breathe. It just didn’t register with me. I wasn’t even thinking about Marco’s funeral. What if the car spun one more time and Mikasa and I had died instead of Marco? But then again, I would never wish this pain on Marco. If ghosts or angels or whatever do exist, hopefully he knows just how much I appreciate him. Hopefully he believes me.   
We got to the church early enough to get in and get some handicap accessible seats. The only other people who were there were his parents and little siblings. I had never been to a funeral before and I had no idea what to expect. I just knew your basic cookie cutter funeral were you go up and see the casket and someone gives a speech. This, however, wasn’t a normal cookie cutter funeral. We were in a church instead of a funeral home and there wasn’t a casket to go up and see. People were just going up to give his mom and dad and hug and offer condolences to his little siblings. Coming into the funeral, I was almost angry at Marco. He was the one who sped up and lost control and ended up killing him. But, as I continued to think, I realized that was not the case. It was called an accident for a reason. Marco wouldn’t have done it if he thought it would kill him.   
People started to come in around a half an hour later, still about an hour and a half before the scheduled service. The line quickly stretched though two different hallways before even entering the room where the service would be held. The line was out the door and there were still people arriving. They were parking in the grass and everywhere in between. At least that’s what Armin told me. There had to be somewhere between 200-300 people there throughout the visitation hours, many of them stopping to talk to Mikasa and I and offer their sympathy since this was a “rough time for all of us.” I just nodded and tried to look less depressed as people spoke to us but all I wanted to do was cry. My stomach was twisting and turning and I felt like I was gonna be sick. I kept resting my head on my hand and shifting uncomfortably. Then I felt a hand lightly rubbing my shoulder. When I turned around, Krista was sitting behind me giving a weak smile and kissing my cheek.   
“Hi, Jean. You okay?” She asked, her blonde hair falling to the side as she leaned down to talk to me. She was wearing a very pretty, almost Victorian style, black dress. She kept hugging Mikasa and I as she spoke to us and to her brother before sitting down beside him. The service was about to start and there was not an empty seat in the building. People were standing at the back of the church and along both walls. The preacher stood up to deliver a small prayer before the eulogy.   
“On the seventh of April, heaven gained another freckled angel…” He started. I looked up towards the ceiling where small TVs played a slideshow of pictures of Marco, including the picture from his badge at the police station. Eren and I were in so many of these pics, since most of them came from college and graduation.   
“My daughter, Mina, was friends with Marco since grade school and he has been over to my home many times. On my way here, I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of him. The words to I hope you dance by Lee Ann Womack would be Marco’s words to us right now and our word to him. I hope you never lose your sense of wonder. Get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger. Promise me that you give faith a fighting chance and if you get the choice to sit it out or dance. Marco would always dance. Mina and I spent more time with Marco than any of Mina’s other friends. Of course, we spent time with Eren and Jean and Annie but most of our time was spent with Marco in Jinae. Mina and Marco were always the outcasts and Marco was nice to anyone, even Mina, who was the new girl with no one to talk to. I know he wouldn’t want me crying up here, so I will let his little brother Isaac Bodt come up and say a few words,” Mr. Carolina bowed his head and stepped down. Isaac, Marco’s oldest brother stepped up and took the stage. I was too busy staring at the program to pay attention to the boy’s speech. I only looked up when I noticed Krista walking out of the building.   
“Hey Kris,” I whispered, she turned around to look at me and smiled before taking my wheelchair and heading outside. The air was cool but it gave you the sense of waking up. The sense that everything was real.   
“I have only cried at work twice in my life. The first time was when I was working out front and Isaac was about to come in and take over after my shift and then my boss said Isaac called in because his older brother died. The second time was today, when Isaac came in and I asked about you and Mikasa and Eren. He told me Eren was awake and I had to hide in the freezer. My boss told me not to come out until all my tears were dry because today was about costumer service. I should pull myself together or go home,” Krista said. I couldn’t see her face because she was standing behind my wheelchair, but I didn’t have to. Both of us were feeling the same way. It was like knowing everything was different, but not knowing how exactly things had changed. One time, I was told that the skies were the only thing that stood between heaven and earth, but I always saw it as more of a path than a barrier until that night, when Eren and I had never felt so far away. The sky looked like it was ripped out of a water color painting and it made it made everything feel like it was meant to be. As much as I wanted to believe it wasn’t, I knew it had to be.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean realizes that nothing in this world is guaranteed and nothing should be taken for granted.

I guess now is the time to summarize how the last week had gone since I was released by the hospital. A lot had happened but I was too unmotivated to write any of it down. It took long enough working around my physical therapy schedule, but I ended up moving into one of Armin’s apartments. As for Mikasa, she began talking more and more with Annie and spending less and less time at the hospital with Eren. Annie made her smile and I have no idea how she does it. Annie scares the living hell out of me and the thought of her making someone smile just blew my mind. Mikasa was very mad at me and even more so at Eren. It was actually heartbreaking because I knew it wasn’t Eren’s fault. It was mine. I loved a guy who I couldn’t commit to, then I fell in love with a woman that I could commit to. But then I got both in the same place and everything got so much more complicated. 

When looking back on regrets, I most regret not coming out. It seemed like the hardest thing in the world when I still lived in Australia. All of my family was there and they said it plain and simple if someone was LGBT+ they would not be considered family anymore. So when I moved to America, it seemed like the perfect escape and the perfect opportunity to come out. But then I got scared again. My mom and brother were the only family I had and what if things didn’t work out with Eren? Eren was the only guy I had ever been attracted to and if it didn’t work out I really didn’t want my mom and brother to see me as the queer kid for the rest of my life because I came out. All of these things crossed my mind as I held Eren in my arms and kissed him in public for the first time. If I had come out, I wouldn’t have married his sister and I wouldn’t have cheated on her. I wouldn’t have broken her heart, Eren’s heart, and my own. I had the best of both worlds and it was like I was high and couldn’t come down. I was never strong enough to support Eren, let alone Eren and Mikasa. I wasn’t ready for this kind of chaos. Nothing could’ve ever prepared me for this kind of loss.

On April 16, 2016, we finally got an answer from Marco’s family on weather or not Marco would have a marker in a cemetery or not, considering he was cremated. His mother decided to buy a stone for her husband and herself and add Marco’s name to it, however his remains would not be buried there. They kept the urn on the mantle above the fireplace in the living room. I guess that was the reason the family didn’t really have a burial service. Isaac promised he would let me know when the stone was up. 

So today was the first time I got out of the apartment for physical therapy. Most people would say that was the worst thing on my road to recovery since I was only getting weaker, but I wasn’t just laying around all day. I did move around the house in the wheelchair and, with Armin’s help, I also managed to walk a bit using a walker. I was really trying to do the whole physical therapy thing at home, but I knew going to the hospital wouldn’t hurt. I was able to get in an hour of therapy that morning before going up to see Eren, who had since been moved to his own room. However, I never actually came to see him since they moved him so I stopped by the front desk to ask first. 

“Hi, can you tell me which room is Eren Jaeger’s?” I asked, leaning my elbows on the counter. The lady behind the desk just gave a sympathetic smile before shaking her head.

“I’m surprised no one told you,” She said and sighed to herself. In that moment, I swear time stopped. I knew there was no way this could be good news. I mean why wouldn’t Mikasa tell me this? Or Armin? Someone should’ve told me Eren was…

“Eren is back in the ICU. It seems like he went back into a coma this morning. He was in vegetative state this morning, but then became completely unresponsive to any kind of stimulant. They rushed him to the ICU and is labeled as critical condition once again. All the doctors are shocked that he made it this far, so Eren’s case is extremely unpredictable. That being said, I would just head back down stairs to get any more information,” The receptionist said. I just stared at her I don’t know if I was angry that Mikasa didn’t tell me or just pissed off that this was happening in general, but I stormed out of there as quickly as my weak legs would take me. 

Getting to the ICU completely wore me out, but I wasn’t about to stop and rest until I knew what the hell was going on with Eren. Just when things started to look up, everything crumbles. Eren’s health, it seems, was just as unpredictable as the boy himself. 

Everything around me seemed to be effecting me. There were lights flashing above doors that signaled a nurse was needed and there were people going in and out of rooms and there was Mikasa holding Annie’s hand as she left the room in tears and a nurse closed the curtain behind her. She looked at me and then at Annie. Annie glared at me and it made me shiver and bow my head to avoid her eyes. I tried to calmly walk past her to the room I knew was Eren’s but she held her hand out to stop me. 

“We’ve got another funeral to go to, Jean,” Annie said before lowering her hand and walking towards the exit. I stood there in the middle of the hallway just staring at the door before it hit me. I turned around quickly before yelling after her. 

“Wait, Annie, what the fuck?” I yelled. She stopped in her tracks and Mikasa sat down on a bench looking anywhere to avoid my gaze. 

“Don’t play clueless with me Kirschtien, your lover or whatever, fuck buddy, is dead. His heart stopped beating, he stopped breathing and he was pronounced dead. Now do us all a favor and go home. Let his sister mourn in peace!” Annie said, turning around to walk back towards me. For some reason, I wasn’t scared of her. I was just standing there staring at her. I wasn’t thinking about the fact that she could so kick my ass or the fact that my entire body ached like hell. I was thinking about all the times Eren talked about his own death with me. He had it all figured out, his life his death, his funeral, he knew he wanted some kind of memorable tombstone but never mentioned what exactly to get. I thought about how this all became a reality in a matter of seconds. I thought about how I came into physical therapy expecting to see Eren’s recovery and to tell him about my coming out. I thought about how I would never share that with him. I didn’t even notice that Annie and Mikasa had left and Armin had arrived. I left without even saying goodbye. 

I heard stories all the time about bank accounts of dead people being held up for months and the family having no money to purchase a tombstone, but Mikasa was on all of Eren’s bank accounts and had easy access to them. I didn’t know how much money Eren had exactly, but I did know that I would sell my soul to get him a tombstone that would be memorable to anyone who visited the cemetery for centuries. Yet, it wasn’t my decision so one day before the funeral, I decided to go straight to the source here and bringing flowers for her couldn’t hurt right.

“Who is it?” Her voice came from inside the apartment. I took a deep breath and stepped a bit closer to the door to answer her. 

“The last person you wanna see right now but you gotta let me in!” I said. Mikasa opened the door seconds later. She just looked at me and then at the flowers. 

“I really am sorry for your loss,” I said. 

“I should be apologizing to you. If you really loved him, it would be just as much your loss as mine, if not more,” She said, coldly before walking into the apartment. I closed the door behind me and stood awkwardly in the apartment I used to call home. 

“What was so urgent you had to come over right now? I have a funeral to prepare for,” Mikasa said. She wasn’t angry with me anymore, she just sounded tired.

“Have you picked out his stone yet?” I asked. Mikasa ran her hand through her hair and shook her head, 

“No. He has an entire bank account dedicated to his tombstone though. I guess it must’ve been important to him,” Mikasa sighed before sitting down on the couch. I noticed there was a box beside the couch just marked, JAEGER. She had just boxed up all his stuff and set it there, but I didn’t blame her. I probably would’ve done the same thing. 

“It was. He already has his plot picked out. You know, next to his mom’s. When we were, uh, dating in college, he took me to the coolest cemetery. There was stones of every kind there. There was a giant piano and a life size car and motorcycle. I kid you not, there was a giant flip phone. There were even creepy looking beds as tombstones. Eren said he wanted something cool like that, so I promised I would make sure that happened. So how much was in that bank account?” I asked. Mikasa shook her head and stared at me for a while before answering.

“A little over 45,000,” She said, vaguely. 

“Eren was a cybercrime investigator, so why not have a laptop as his headstone. Like having all of his details on the screen and stuff?” I asked. Mikasa nodded slowly before smiling.   
“I’ll think about it. Bye Jean. And thank you, for the input,” She said, bowing her head. I looked around the house and noticed it was full of flowers and baked goods. Then when I looked back at Mikasa she looked much more tired than before. I set the flowers on her table and nodded to her before leaving the apartment with a million thoughts in my head. But first and foremost, I was questioning whether or not to go to that funeral. Of course I wanted to be there for Eren, but the funeral wasn’t for Eren. It was for Mikasa, and everyone else who cared about him. I knew that by showing up it would hurt everyone else, but I couldn’t stand the thought of missing out on an opportunity to see the love of my life one last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to do it. But I did. I am sorry but the ends will justify the means I hope.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean attends Eren's funeral and realizes that not all of Eren's dreams can come true.

Eren was an organ donor apparently. I should’ve guessed but I was still shocked when they told me he donated his heart. Mikasa still wasn’t exactly going out of her way to tell me anything, about the funeral, about Eren, about our own damn divorce. She filed apparently and I got a letter in the mail. Not that I was complaining, I was just shocked. Mainly for me, I was just altogether unmotivated. I decided to go to the funeral. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it, but I wanted to see if Eren’s dream came true. Eren always wanted a full crowd at his funeral. He wanted to be remembered vastly. I knew it would just depress me if he had any less visitors than Marco.   
Armin called me an hour before the service to see if I was going. And to see if I needed a ride. I told him I did need a ride and thanked him for offering before he told me he would be there in a half an hour. I kept thinking about the 45,000 dollars Eren had in his bank. I guessed that might cover part of the tombstone Eren wanted but then I had to think about funeral cost, casket prices and regulations for the cemetery. Plus all of this was out of my hands and I am pretty sure Mikasa wasn't going to order Eren the tombstone he deserved. Mikasa stated time and time again that it was a waste of money to spend so much on a tombstone.   
By the time Armin arrived I was about as ready as if ever be. My throat had closed up and my entire body physically ached from holding back tears. But I got in the car with Armin and stared at the windshield. I was kind of apprehensive at first just looking at the road and the cars surrounding us. My eyes were constantly bolting to the speedometer to make sure Armin wasn't going too fast. I kept running scenarios through my head about how I would react to a crash. I thought about how if a car hit us from the front, I probably wouldn't survive. If a car hit us from Armin’s side, I was sure my head would fly through the glass on my window. If a car hit us from behind I risked potentially going through the windshield. I hated being in a car so much because all I could think about was what would happen if we did crash. I don't think my family could handle it. Justin just got his big brother back and now all of a sudden he's gone. I also thought about Eren and the fact that we were driving to his damn funeral and a voice in the back of my head was telling me to grab the steering wheel and steer the two of us in front of the semi truck that was about to drive past us. I however did change my mind and just clenched my fists and stared at them intensely. I remember feeling suicidal, but never having the urge to end my own life. The scariest part was, if Armin wasn't in the car, I would've done it.   
The funeral home wasn't as big as the one that held Marco’s, but it was pretty nice looking. Armin parked as close as he could do that he could help me walk in. Annie and Mikasa were obviously already there along with almost everyone else who Eren was friends with. It was by no means a full crowd. There was maybe 20 people there total.   
Mikasa stood up front by Eren’s casket and hugged quite a few people who all offered their condolences. I stood up there and looked at her with the limo growing in my throat as I gave a small smile. I stood off to the side not really in line what so ever, but I watched as a little boy and his parents walked up to Mikasa and introduced themselves.   
“Hi, I'm Allison Magnolia and that's Jack Magnolia, I know we haven't met, was Eren your boyfriend?” She asked, shaking Mikasa’s hand. The woman had to be in her late thirties or early forties with long blonde hair pulled up in a bun. Mikasa smiled a fake smile and shook her head.   
“I was his sister actually,” Mikasa said.   
“Well, my daughter is named Isabel and she's 16 years old. She was on medication for anxiety and other health related problems and was hospitalized earlier this year for heart failure and your brothers heart was donated to our daughter and it saved her life. She is in recovery now from the surgery and couldn't join us today but the doctors expect her to live a very healthy life as soon as she is fully recovered. I just came to say thank you and if you ever need anything, please let us know,” Allison said, now crying and hugging Mikasa. Now Mikasa was crying too and I was even feeling myself tear up. I walked past her and up to Eren’s coffin. There was a bouquet of flowers on the casket with little ribbons on it that said son and brother. However the one ribbon I knew should've been there wasn't. No ribbon in the bouquet said Husband. I looked at Eren and he looked like he was sleeping. He was extremely skinny and his hands looked bony. His hair fell perfectly and he was wearing a brand new tux. I wanted more than anything to see his beautiful eyes one more time. But I couldn't. I looked over to where Allison Magnolia sat and casually made my way over to her and sat down beside her.   
“I heard you telling Mikasa about your daughter and I almost started crying myself. My name is Jean and I was Eren’s uh lover? I really don't know how to explain it. But um yeah I just wanted tell you that your daughter is in my prayers,” I said smiling at her a little bit and wiping tears from my own eyes.   
“Wait, Jean, do you have any pictures of Eren. Like what he looked like?” Allison asked me. I was shocked but I nodded and pulled out my phone. I had a lot of pictures of Eren. A lot that he didn't know I took. I just scrolled through to find the best ones. There was the picture of the two of us painted up in rainbow face paint kissing in public for the first time. There was a picture of the two of us at the rehearsal dinner at my wedding. There was a picture of Eren asleep on our couch and there was a picture of Eren smiling with his eyes all lit up as he talked on the phone with Armin. He looked over at me for a split second which was just enough to get a picture. Creepy? Yes but it was beautiful to see his eyes light up. Allison smiled at the pictures and complimented him a lot. The. She tapped her husband's shoulder and pointed at the picture of Eren's eyes.   
“Doesn't he have the same eyes as Isabel?” She asked.   
“What does your daughter look like?” I asked. Allison pulled out her phone and scrolled through her camera roll just showing me picture after picture of what looked like the female version of Eren. The only difference was that her hair was bright red and pulled up in pigtails. They did have the exact same eyes.   
Right before the service started, a tan woman came in with a girl in her late teens walking quickly behind her. The two of them sat down beside me and I was shocked. There were plenty of open seats, why sit by me.   
“Hi Jean, my name is Cathy and I was Eren’s work mom. That's Candy, Eren's work sister. You remember when he worked at John’s restaurant right?” She asked. I nodded and went along with her but I was startled that she knew my name.   
“He told me everything about you and I told him to dump you right from the start. He was an amazing kid and I told him not to waste his time with someone who was hiding there love for you. But he loved you. He loved you so much…” Cathy said. She was crying hysterically and Candy was crying to. Looking at them and at the pictures of Eren on the walls, I lost it. I began to sob, clenching my fists and then letting them go. I couldn't hold back anymore, so I left the building.   
The funeral director was standing outside smoking a cigarette and I was a little shocked. I guess funerals weren't always the way they say. During a movie you would never see the funeral director smoking a cigarette outside the funeral home but there he was.   
“Never enough time is there kid. You know what they say, life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans,” he said, cigarette still between his lips. I stared at him and he looked back at the road to watch the cars go by. I nodded and let my tears become more steady before going back inside. I was emotional but mostly I was 5 foot and nine inches of regret.   
Before the service could start, I made sure to speak with Mikasa about Eren's headstone again. I wanted to make sure she had gotten that taken care of so I could rest easily. She saw me coming towards her and refused to meet my eyes.   
“Mikasa, have you talked to anyone about Eren's headstone?” I asked. She nodded.   
“After all the funeral costs, I looked at the remainder in his account and I bought him a bench with his name on it. I know he wanted something more but I just can't afford it. If Eren was listening, he'd thank Mikasa for trying, but I know it would upset him. And like I said before, I'd sell my soul to get him a memorable stone. But I was broke too.   
The funeral itself was much more traditional and way too ordinary for my liking. That is, all except for Armin's speech.   
“For those of you who don't know me, my name is Armin and I was Eren's best friend. We met on the first day of open house at the police academy. We were roommates so he said to me ‘we gotta be best friends now so this year doesn't suck,’ and that's how I knew Eren wasn't just going to be the guy I shared my room with, but we shared everything. He trusted me with so much and I never expected his story to end so soon. I could stand up here and share his life story, but it isn't my place to tell. If only he had been given a little bit more time, he could've written a novel about how crazy his life was. Or how much his life has changed since he met Jean Kirschtein. Jean can tell the story if ever he finds the time is right. Jean, I actually encourage sharing it whenever you're ready. But as for me today, I am here to say that Eren Jaeger can be summed up in five minutes. He can't be labeled by ribbons in a bouquet. Because no matter what I say or what anyone else says, Eren was ten times that,” Armin said. I was surprised by the fact that he had stayed strong for so long during that speech. Not one year falling from his eyes. And that's when I put my book down and stopped writing. Now was not the time to share Eren's story. Maybe I will pick up the pen again when the time is right, but now is the time for all of us to remember and some of us to forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't the end. I know the last line makes it seem that way. I typed this on my phone at 3 in the morning so I am sure there are typos I apologize.


	12. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 10 years after Eren's death, jean decides to finish his story.

Ten years after Eren’s funeral, I decided to pick up the pen again. Maybe more for my own sake than his but that's beside the point. I had a ton of stuff to share with you and hopefully give you a more satisfying ending to our story. Well, Mikasa got remarried. To Annie of all people. The two of them actually tied the knot only two years after Eren’s death.   
I went back to school. I knew I could never return to work as a crime scene investigator after what happened so I went back to school and got a couple degrees. I got a history degree and a teaching degree and started teaching high school United States history.   
Every year before homecoming and prom, I was asked to go up and speak about my personal experience with reckless driving and at first, I cried every single time I did my speech. Now I see it as my duty to save other kids from making the same dumb mistakes. I even volunteered to help lead Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD) and soon even became the leader of Trost High School’s SADD.   
Eren's tombstone wasn't anything like he had planned. Just a small bench with his name on it. I paid out of pocket for the space next to his and asked for them to add my name and dates to the bench. That way I could save on my own tombstone and focus on adding to Eren’s. Isabel, the girl who got Eren’s heart, offered to help in any way she could and between the two of us, we were finally able to afford a statue of Eren himself to sit on the bench. It had a very creepy vibe to it at first, seeing Eren sitting on a bench in a cemetery 10 years after he died. Yet, every Valentine's Day or every time the anniversary of his death rolled around, I always smiled knowing that this was what he wanted when I brought him a single white rose.   
But the morning before I picked up the pen again, I got a call from Mikasa asking if I remembered the psychic girl Eren told us about all those years ago. I said yes and she told me she was going to see her and asked if I wanted to go. I never thought about it but I was excited to go. I prayed to heaven or hell or Eren himself that he could give me something, anything to let me know I was doing something right.   
So we went and Mikasa went in first and soon after, I went in. I couldn't tell if it was fake or not and it may have been. But it was the best thing I could've heard.   
“Hi, my name is Hanji Zoe, psychic here in Rose township, what can I do for you today?” The lady asked with a wide smile. She wore her hair in a high ponytail and her brown eyes seemed to sparkle behind her thick framed glasses. She also wore a lab coat that made her look more like a mad scientist than a psychic.   
“Jean? He's Jean?” Hanji said seemingly to herself. She wasn't holding my hands or even touching me, just kinda looking at me. I sat down across from her and she held out her hands and explained the process thoroughly. Basically she was just gonna say whatever she was told with no side notes or questions. And I had to trust her. She closed her eyes and when she opened them again she just smiled.   
“Damn, and I thought six years was a long time but you waited ten years to come and see me. I gotta cut you some slack though. You've been working hard on that memorial, huh?” Hanji or Eren said. I was shocked so I just stared at her.   
“What? Are you sad because it's not me? It is me Jean! It's Eren Jaeger! I can prove it to you! You remember at the open house at Sina University you ran into Armin and knocked him straight on his ass? And when I came over and started hollering at you, you called me an asshole and I hugged you because you had an Australian accent just like the boy I fell in love with. And when I said your name you pushed me away? What about that time you didn't go home for spring break because you knew I didn't have a home to go to? So you told me we would take a road trip and you drove all the way to northern Michigan to surprise me with a pride parade? We got our faces all painted and you kissed me in front of everyone? Or what about the time you slept in the nude and I hid all your underwear so that you had to walk around your apartment to try and find them in the nude? Who else would know this stuff? And what about our kids names? I wanted to name our daughter Prudence and our son Jude but you wanted to name our son Aaron spelled differently than mine? I swear it's me Jean. The same Eren who held on to life with white knuckles for almost two weeks just so that I could wake up and call you an asshole before kissing you,” Hanji said. I began crying. I didn't need to say anything. Eren knew everything I wanted to say despite my ability to say it.   
“The only thing that would make our stone better would be in there was a statue of you right next to me,” Hanji said. I nodded and wiped away my tears. I knew Eren was saying it because he liked to shove his homosexuality in everyone's face but this was going to last a very long time. But I had to admit, it would be funny. I was scared of someone knowing I was gay for maybe 40 years until I died but this would show centuries later how gay I was for Eren Jaeger.   
“I'll think about it,” I said through my tears.   
“Before you go, Mikasa has one of my old diaries. I know I know lame right? But I wanna finish it. Can you bring it back to Hanji at some point? Or get it from Mikasa now and I will have Hanji call you when it's done?” Hanji asked. She said it like she hears about people writing diary entries from beyond the grave all the time.   
“Sure, I'll go get it. I love you Eren. I really love you Eren,” I said, tearing up again.   
“Don't do this to yourself, Jean. You can't live the rest of your life in regret. I'm sorry but this is me telling you to move on. Marco and I are both worried about you never getting remarried and being alone all the time. When are you gonna settle down again?” Hanji asked. I gave a cocky smile that I hadn't done in years and laughed.   
“Don't tell me what to do, Jaeger. If I wanna mourn you for the rest of my life that's what I'll do,” I said, arrogantly.   
After that, Mikasa and I reconciled and called a truce. She forgave me and I had nothing against her so we just kinda laughed it off and moved on. Hanji called me only days later with Eren's book that was finally finished with only the words “Whispering to Angels,” written on the front with Eren’s name under it. I slide it on my bookshelf beside my own notebook with the words “Young and Vulnerable,” on it. I put them away for when the time and place was right to share them. And I plan on keeping my word. I will mourn Eren Jaeger for the rest of my life.   
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And that is exactly what he did. Jean Kirschtien died peacefully in his sleep only eleven years later at the age of 47. He never saw his book published, but he did live to see his own statue placed beside Eren on the bench with their names on it. It now looked like Eren was pointing to the sky and Jean had his arm around Eren's shoulders looking in the direction of Eren's hand, which pointed straight to heaven. When I cleaned out the old apartment, I found two noteworthy books titled Young and Vulnerable by Jean Kirschtien along with Whispering to Angels by Eren Jaeger. After reading both books, I decided a conclusion was necessary in both cases and sat down to write this. Now in the year 2056, 19 years after Jean’s death and 40 years after Eren's, people still flock to the controversial tombstone. Some say it's two guys bird watching. Others say it's a girl pointing to the sky and her boyfriend watching. Some say it's two brothers. Some say Jean is a girl’s name and there is nothing really gay about it but those of us who knew the boys know the truth. Now hopefully if they still listen in or worry about their stories being told, I got them covered. I shut the notebook for good and write under Jean’s name “edited by Armin Arlert,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who stuck with this story through the whole thing. I feel like I wanna write the prequel (which will be smut every other chapter basically) but I also feel like not a lot of people really like this book so I am kinda contemplating that.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked it! I am a cosplayer getting ready for cons and managing college, so I can't guarantee regular updates. So you guys can have two chapters today and hopefully the rest sometime soon! Feedback is greatly appreciated!


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